The BileBlog

It’s with a heavy heart that I am now going to post a huge long self-aggrandising post about my departure from Google, and force you all to wade through endless trite observations and so called insights about the inner workings of Google. You may then go forth and share these turd nuggets of wisdom with all your friends, thereby making me feel even more important than I already do, which is the primary reason I am posting this.

I have had a wonderful four years at Google. For the cynical amongst you, I assure you that it has nothing to do with my vesting period, nor the fact that I have hated my life and my job ever since the second month of joining this piece of shit convoluted bloated shitstained bureaucratic arbitrarily run edifice. Let me first burble on indefinitely about what amazing people I met here, and how they provided literally endless hours of unbridled joy in my otherwise empty and dismal existence.

First of all, I have to thank my manager. My manager was so awesome he would literally greet me every morning with a casual unzipping of my pants, a graceful cradling of my genitalia followed by a quick yet surprisingly invigorating oral investigation of said genitalia. I know some of you also have great managers, but the Google company culture is surely the best of them all. I really felt like my manager understood me in a way that only my same sex sexual partner could, if I were to ever experiment with same sex relationships that is.

Secondly, the perks at Google are just amazing. During my first week I received 3 enemas while having lunch, all of which were without me even asking for one. My team just did them as a welcome present. They were harsh yet set the right tone for the kind of performance they expect from me. I truly felt that I had joined a company that didn’t suffer fools gladly.

I would also like to give a shout out to my team. Every morning, I felt so blessed by the ritualistic circlejerk. The openness and freedom that the company culture espouse were not mere words, but manifested themselves as actions as my team regularly invited other teams to finger and tug at each other privates, depending on gender. I had never worked with such a talented group of people. While within the first month, I found out that unlike everywhere else I’d worked, almost everyone in my team was both potty trained and could form coherent sentences. I felt so blessed and priviliged to be at such an amazing place that I regularly shat myself in sheer awe.

Speaking of, the freedom of expression that was afforded me by Google should not go unmentioned. While in more mundane large companies you might find yourself lumbered with tedious performance reviews, at Google review time was an occasion for self expression at its finest. I felt so privileged that I was able to express my inner engineer by leaping up on my manager’s desk, dropping my pants, and calmly and rationally depositing two perfectly formed turds. I was confident enough to respond to his perplexed look by hoisting them aloft and performing an interpretive dance developed in my spare 20% time while screaming ‘behold my uncles!’.

All that aside, it is with a heavy heart that I am leaving. Google, while being a totally awesome fucktastic place for all the reasons I mentioned, is not without its flaws. Let me now give you some random fuckwit’s interpretation of what these flaws are in a tone that suggests that I am pretty fucking clever for having figured out shit even though I’m just your average navel gazing engineer with inflated opinions of his place in the world.

First of all, engineering is king here, so if you have any kind of good idea, you can expect it to be shot down because we all know engineers are all universally stupid and have no appreciation whatsoever for the genius of their fellow engineers. I mean, I once had an idea for a shit stirring machine that people would defecate into that would then combine all their turds together and automatically post pictures of it online, but I just couldn’t get it past the red tape. As all the incredibly intelligent engineers who are reading this know, all engineering ideas that originate from within are all exceptionally clever and well thought out, so it’s a totally mystery to me why my random idea was not taken up by those asshole powers that be, just because all the sample data of millions of users they tried it on said it’d be a bad idea.

Secondly, Google is just so amazingly unique and awesome that I couldn’t take it anymore. The combination of incredibly intelligent people and incredibly stupid ideas was a heady cocktail that I mainlined for all of three days. It was too much for me, far too much. I just wanted to be told what to do, I hated being expected to think for myself, and worst of all, having to confront the ugly truth that I’m full of incredibly shit ideas that any dyslexic 3 year old with down syndrome can poke six holes in before taking any medication.

Based on the above, it is with profound regret and dismay that I will have to take my toys elsewhere, and so I am going to join an exciting new venture that is some combination of:

- Jerking off to the sound of my own typing for a couple of months before accepting a job that pays 3-4 times as much as that sweatshop I used to work at

- Joining facebook to demonstrate that I’m still an exceptionally idiotic engineer who thinks having a tawdry job is an exciting definition of who I am as a human being

- Work on an incredibly bad idea that I will try to abuse my ex-google status to drum up support for and hope that there are enough stupid people in the world who might care

- Act suspicious in order to solicit constant questions about what I’m doing so that I can feel like I’m important and relevant because it’s the only way to make the voices in my head stop asking me to hurt mommy.

It’s been an amazing ride, keep reading so I can bore you further with my trials and tribulations, because if you don’t I might have to ask myself some very uncomfortable questions about my self-perception, questions that can only result in other deep questions about gun laws and whether nerdy engineers should be allowed or even encouraged to shoot themselves in the face.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 13th, 2011 at 11:24 pm and is filed under Java. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.