The BileBlog

In an innovative and bold move, Atlassian software is proud to announce that it is changing its strategy going forward, and will from now focus on functionality.

Famous for its pretty but useless applications, Atlassian has captured the hearts and eyes of developers everywhere. The one corner of the market they have not been able to penetrate so far is the minds of these developers.

The new strategy will pose a challenge for the young company, shifting the emphasis from pretty pictures to usefulness is a move fraught with danger, and some analysis are not optimistic. Joel of FogzBugz fame proclaimed ‘Atlassian is doomed to failure, how can any company that doesn’t spend time writing an ASP to PHP compiler to achieve platform independence ever get anywhere? FogzBugz has always focussed on functionality, our 3 customers are more than happy’.

Jiramike, one of the founders of Atlassian, discussed the change in strategy. ‘We’re sick and tired of being the pretty dumb blonde in Java,’ he sighed dramatically.

‘It’s time we move past the cutesy rounded corner and cartoonish icons, we’re a serious company now and I think the joke’s up, customers are demanding a new kind of application. Whereas before all we had to do is slap on a pastel hue and a Verdana font, this market now requires that we develop functionality and serve a business purposes.’

Not all is well with this new strategy however. Some developers at Atlassian have rebelled against this move, and have resigned in protest. A member of this rogue group recently proclaimed ‘I just want to fuck around with ruby now and then and read ajaxian and put in all that stuff, why tf are we switching from our core strengths?’

Atlassian customers however are cautiously optimistic. The open source side is obviously elated, and the codehaus core team was rumoured to be dancing naked in the streets, rubbing genitalia with strangers, in an odd departure from the standard practice of doing ‘comfort grouprubs’ as a consolation prize for either another useless project joins, or a useful project graduating to relevance by moving elsewhere.

The BileBlog is pleased to announce the creation of a new conference dealing specifically with issues in and around the asshat situation in Java. Like any self respecting conference, a number of corporate sponsors have expressed interest in handing over money in return for strategic product placement. In the interest of consistency though, we’ll ensure that vendor content is mixed in with ‘real’ content, without any clear delineation. This ensures maximum return on our investment, and saves us the hassle of having to actually review content for relevancy or accuracy.

By far the most exciting part of this innovation conference is the speaker list. Some of the highlights include:

• Tim Bray: Tim is famous for a number of things, none of which anyone can remember anymore. He works for Sun now though and his role involves mostly being a pretentious turd living off of his reputation and past achievements. He will be speaking on how to have one good idea and use that to shoehorn yourself into any number of irrelevant positions off its back, while remaining a pretentious bigoted shit. There will be a lab session too demonstrating what ‘milking something for all its worth’ actually looks like.
• Ferd Grtit: Known by his parents as simply ‘Fred the dyslexic shit we should have drowned at birth’, Ferd will be discussing his innovative brand new game, moobnuzz. The game will run in cellphones, and is expected to hit the mass market sometime in 2083. Early reviews look promising, and Ferd has been busy drooling incoherently for years on end now to prepare for the imminent release. Discussing the details of his talk, Ferd giddily proclaimed ‘Java ME is wibble no longer was un-factual i the past. I found a penis in my bottom yesterday amg it was scary lol. Blaming me for it is like a CIVIL WAR meepmeep Java Eclipse flapnipple lips.’
• Sun Marketing Dept: Long shrouded in mystery, this department has finally decided to make a public appearance to help clear up some of the misconceptions that many have about it. The talk will debunk a number of popular myths regarding Sun marketing. For example, may suspect that the strategy is developed by coherent sentient adults. This is quite untrue as this talk will show quite clearly. Delivered as an interpretive dance called ‘poopoowibblewomwom’ by a naked 50 year old man wearing underpants on his head, a chopstick up one nostril, and a baby jesus buttplug, it’s one of the conference’s must-see events.
• Winston Damarillo and Matt Raible: This dynamic duo will be discussing how best to squeeze money out of a rock. The juxtaposition of a man who runs any number of developer sweatshops while sweettalking his way into a VC’s panties (mergere, geronimo, activeMQ) with a guy who has dedicated his life to being the emperor in the ‘emperor has no clothes’ phrase (virtuas, general webmonkeyism) is likely to spark an interesting debate as to exactly how stupid the world has to be for success to come to these two unlikely heros.
• Martin Fowler: Martin is famous for spouting off endlessly about his opinions and dropping them about like little turdicle presents for children. In his keynote, he will be discussing how books can be used to fuck clients in the ass. As well as explaining the mechanisms of it, Martin will demonstrate the technique with some of his fowlbots. The live demo will involve 5 naked bent over thoughtwanker employees chanting XPTDDAGILESAVEDMYCOMPANY while Martin ritualistically shoves a book up their dirtboxes. An entertaining a thought provoking exercise guaranteed to give you a fresh perspective on ‘extreme agile’.
• Sanjeeva Warawanamanaweeweenama: Sanjeeva will be presenting on ‘how to be in OSS and yet still be a total and utter cuntfaced shithead’. Drawing on his wealth of experience, Sanjeeva will discuss the merits of making insidious snide comments, and how when coupled with outright gibberish can be an effective tool in arousing disgust and disdain in an entire community. As an encore, Sanjeeva and the Axis2 team have promised us that they will print out all the WS-* specs and ingest them, to show once and for all that ‘they’re not that bad’.
• Apache: Last but not least, we’re hoping to host a round table discussion to try and figure out if there’s a point to Apache, and how other OSS communities can in time grow to be as dysfunctional, pretentious, as as full of shit as Apache. While many feel it’s not possible in this day and age for any meritocracy to retain or even acquire quite so many people lacking in any form of merit whatsoever, it’s important to keep the dialogue open and see if indeed someone else can gather up such an impressive list of do-nothing loudmouthed dysfunctional assgobblers.

While some speakers have committed to their talks, we still have a number of spots open. Please send in you proposals, and ensure they can at least match the quality of the above, to ensure maximum benefit for our poor bastard attendees.

The guice team is thrilled to announce that Spring has acquired Guice and its developers for an undisclosed amount of money.

The innovation and adoption rate of guice have exceeded all expectations, and in keeping with Spring’s lightweight and non-intrusive idealogy, Guice will be a perfect fit.

What does this mean for you in practice? Going forward, BeanFactory and its associated classes will be deprecated, as of the next major Spring release. Obviously Spring is as committed as ever to backward compatibility, so you won’t need to change a single line of code.

The benefits however of switching to Guice are obvious. The spring team believes that the verbose XML will finally go the way of the dodo, and that annotations are the only realistic way of doing wiring in the future.

Alongside this major shift in approach, Spring will also be dropping its AOP support, in favour of the simple and usable Guice interceptor support. This will enable real world usages of AOP that have not yet been seen in all its years of hype.

Discussing the buyout, Rod Johnson, Spring lead developer and interface21 founder proclaimed ‘It was difficult hiring these guys away from Google, but it’s amazing what a few dollar shots and a hot half-naked bartender setting out a fire by dancing on a bar can do to someone.’

Speaking under conditions of anonymity, fellow Google employees expressed concern at the move. ‘This puts Spring squarely in our sights, and sets up an uncomfortable precedent for home grown technologies being owned by external corporations’ said one insider.

Bob and Kevin, the dynamic duo who developed Guice, are thrilled with the buyout, and have reportedly been seen in and around San Francisco offering drinks to homeless people. ‘It’s a vindication of everything I’ve ever lived for’ gushed an inebriated Bob. ‘I’d like to thank my mom’ concluded Kevin.

There was some scorn though expressed by some regarding this move. Bill Berk, local fat guy at JBoss, was not impressed. ‘We here at JBoss invented AOP, and it’s disgusting seeing others claim the credit for it. I might have not made much money compared to the Fleury clan, I might not have any friends, but I certainly am a fat shit with idiotic opinions’ he chimed in unhelpfully.