5 things I don't want to know about you
The whole ‘5 things that make me look cool’ thing is getting out of hand. It’s insidious and evil and idiotic, all at the same time.
For one thing, who on earth would give a flying fuck about all of these irrelevant, tedious, boring, repetitive factoids? This approach works well enough as a social lubricant; it’s aimless little drops of pre-cum you can jizz out during a conversation just to keep things lubed up. Online, it makes you look like a tool at best, and more likely a self-absorbed child molesting fruitcake with nothing better to do that masturbate in front of random passers by in the hope that someone will stop and gawp at your pathetic flailing.
The real genius of it though is that it allows the tawdry twats who succumb to it to happily whip out their genitalia in public, rub it against their own orifices and spooge dramatically all under the guise of ‘playing along’ and doing it for other people.
Almost everyone agrees that a personal blog where one randomly defecates their incoherent and tedious ramblings is a Bad Thing, and most people have learnt (usually through being mocked horribly, especially in our industry) that nobody really gives a flying fuck about how many cats you have, how good you are at fucking your significant other and producing more boring people in your mold, or how excited you find penis slapping. This new approach though enables you get rid of any possible guilt, common sense or simple social graces you have with regards to regaling the world with this tedium, since someone else asked you to do it and it’s for some obnoxious and incredibly not funny ’cause’.
Of course, it works well in nerdy culture. Who could resist the chance to brag or boast about themselves? It’s considered fairly rude to do so in conversation unless it’s a contribution of some sort, but online, you can regale people with your exploits with nary a care in the world, and even better, ‘tag’ (a polite way of helicopter peeing on) other equally fuckwitted chozgobblers so that they can also participate in this sick and twisted pyramid scheme of self-gratification.
Let it end. Those of who you have already gotten your jollies off, well done. You got to spooge onto the world’s face, you felt better about yourself, and took your fill of the public buttplug all in one go. Good job. The rest of you who are vaguely pondering succumbing to this evil, resist. Resist long, and resist hard. Don’t become another statistic, don’t for one second assume that you’re special or clever or a ’someone’ just because some random pillowbiter diddled your sensitive spot. You’re still a nobody, and far more importantly, people still couldn’t give a flying fuck about random trivia concerning your tedious, ‘I’d rather have my orifices plugged with my own feces while forced into a grouphug with 3 rubyists, martin fowler’s beard, and 2 thoughtwankers than be this guy’ mockery of a life.
Here’s hoping people spot this pathetic agonising plea for attention for what it is. It’s not funny, it’s not interesting, it’s just sad in that way that only a mentally handicapped 56 year old woman masturbating in public can be.
Happy new year!
December 31st, 2006 at 11:16 am
first (I have no clue why I do this…)
December 31st, 2006 at 12:12 pm
second (I thought I could be first this time :-()
December 31st, 2006 at 12:28 pm
turd
December 31st, 2006 at 12:37 pm
man you should relax, go out for a walk or so…
December 31st, 2006 at 1:23 pm
…he said, in his personal blog.
:)
December 31st, 2006 at 5:05 pm
geir: I don’t know why you do it either.
Queen Fadh: Clearly you are slow.
King of Bumcheeks: Poo Monkey would be proud.
justme: Fate can’t walk…he’s got his fist firmly embedded in his rectum.
Rob: Fate is the biggest pud puller of them all. He is constantly fapping into the crowd. And he is a drunk bastard too.
Fate: You’re still the best and I love ya you smegma chewing monkey. Happy New Year!
December 31st, 2006 at 5:07 pm
Good to see that “HTML syntax: On” doesn’t really mean that HTML syntax is on. Roller is still a piece of crap.
January 1st, 2007 at 1:14 am
… a personal blog where one randomly defecates their incoherent and tedious ramblings …
January 1st, 2007 at 9:26 am
I really must protest this blog entry Hani. After all, since no one is listening to me rant and rave about Spring, JSF, and Hibernate, I figured my weight-loss story would be just as interesting. I was kinda thinking of taking my story on the road and doing those infomercial specials you see on PBS during fundraisers. I just need to write a book about my weight loss techniques… ah, I can see it now … all the money rolling in as I add in the cost of my program (in Book, Audio CD, and/or DVD) to the cost of your pledge…sigh.
Oh well, cheerio! Check me out! I’m fit as a fiddle now!
Love,
Rick
PS: Never ever forget to ‘Shizzle my nizzle’ suckas!
January 3rd, 2007 at 8:20 pm
HEY, Fate is the man and you better listen to what he says or I’ll pop a cap in your ass at the next conference you attend.
January 4th, 2007 at 11:13 am
Rick, there is no excuse for what you have done..
Anyways, I was going to say it’s nice to FINALLY see more bile. I thought Hani had become content with the world.
January 5th, 2007 at 6:30 am
Call me stupid but I can’t figure out if it’s really Rick Hightower posting here. If it was someone else, it is hilarious. If it is him, not so much!
January 5th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Columbus,
Cleary you are not stupid. Of course everyone uses their real name on JRoller.
As regular reader of JRoller and the Bile blog I’d like to say I love Hani and really enjoy his frequent comments about the JCP and his small penis.
James Gosling
CTO Sun
January 5th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Hani you are too funny. Thanks for giving me your valuable feedback on JRake on infoq. I’d like to apologize to the Java community for being such a prick.
Just a quick reminder…
I’m delivering a Rails/TDD training session (for Obtiva) at the end of January in San Francisco. This class has already met minimum requirements and will happen.
Here’s an actual quote from the manager of the last team I spent a week training:
The class went very well due to Obie’s patience, flexibility, and willingness to bring the team up to speed. From my experience, having had to “bootstrap” many team with custom classes, Obie is an ideal instructor for the stage that we are in.
The main reason why you should choose this training over similar offerings from other providers is that me and the guys at Obtiva actually spend most of our time doing real, hardcore Rails development. Training is just a small side business for us. I promise you that you will leave my class ready to do kick ass Rails development for your clients and employers!
Check it out at:
http://www.jroller.com/page/obie?entry=signup_for_rails_training_in
Ruby really rocks and now with JRake and JRuby you can use a real programming language and a real build system on the tired old JVM!
Ruby. Ruby. Ruby. Three cheers for Ruby
–Obie
January 5th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Virtuas Rocks! I love maven too.
January 5th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
That was not the real Matt Filios. You must cease and desist from using my name or likeness in your comments.
But you bring up a good point Virtuas does rock and let met tell you why:
Virtuas Open Source Solutions is the premier provider of enterprise-level support services for widely adopted open source middleware such as Apache Geronimo, Spring, Apache Tomcat, AppFuse, Hibernate and a host of others. Whether it be a high-level assessment, a one-week consultation, a customized training session, development integration with your team, or support for a specific technology, Virtuas has the proven resources and solutions for your organization.
Since 1999, Virtuas has provided Global 2000 organizations with world-class software solutions. With unparalleled expertise in enterprise-ready open source software (OSS), Virtuas continues to pave the way of software innovation for organizations worldwide.
January 5th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Thanks, Hani. Go off on something that you understand about 100% of. Thanks for helping us with our business plan for Virtuas.
We now Provide support and implementation services to organizations around open source middleware.
Having core talent such as Matt Raible, Bill Dudney, Rocy Genender, Bruce Snyder, Bugs Bunney, Elmur Fudd, Jesus Chris, George Bush and James Goodwill gives companies confidence in using “been there, done that” people.
Thanks for getting it as Bank of America, GE, CNET, Well Fargo, Sears, IBM, Microsoft, Boise Cascade and Northrop Grumman do. Good thing you helped us with our marketing. Keep up the good journalism. CBS would be ashamed.
January 5th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Rick just seemed to be a big enough w****r to have posted that.. just..
Thanks James, I no longer think I am stupid. Good to see that you read the Bileblog, may be you can change the JCP to work the same way.
January 7th, 2007 at 4:00 am
Sad enough plugging your Ruby Glowstick course on your blog. Sadder still plugging it on someone elses blog since nobody reads yours. Thought Hani told you where that Glowstick should be inserted …
January 7th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
Yes, it’s I made that earlier post. I don’t care what Hani thinks - my attitude about blogging is “This blog is a personal diary… not a magazine…” and I mean to use my blog as forum to build up my fitness story as a product that I can turn into profit.
I would have responded sooner but it’s been a tough week. I’ve been taking shifts at the hospital and doing child care… I don’t know which end is up. But anyway, now that my Dad is over and watching TV, I plan to blog more about the details of my personal exercise and diet routine and sprinkle in the occasional JSF+Spring + jobs propaganda.
Hey, what do you all think of those new headshots I put up on my blog? especially the one with the silly expression on my face? They are so funny! I couldn’t stop laughing when I made those pics.
Take care all.
Rick ‘Schizzle my Nizzle’ Hightower
PS: If you need to reach me, send email to rhightower AT arc DASH mind DOT com.
January 8th, 2007 at 7:59 am
Call me stupid but I can’t figure out if it’s really Brave Sir Robin posting here. If it was someone else, it is hilarious. If it is him, not so much!
January 9th, 2007 at 1:00 am
get a life
January 10th, 2007 at 7:27 am
I have reason to believe that Brave Sir Robin is a fictional character in a certain movie, and as such, incapable of posting on blogs.
Even though I happened to see the earlier similar comment about Rick, I fail to see where Marc was going with that comment.
In any case, it was nice to provoke a response from such a legendary figure, even if he has de-railed his train of thought :)
January 10th, 2007 at 7:29 am
Rick? I have a feeling that shizzling your nizzle is something I’d be reluctant to do.
January 11th, 2007 at 3:48 am
foo sounds like the real Rick.
January 13th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
OMG, Hani’s trajectory is following the same path as Lenny Bruce’s. What started out as comic genius has slowly degraded into an unfunny, incoherent, self-indulgent rant.
January 13th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Oh man this Obie is sneaky ain’t he? Advertising in comments! JRuby blah blah blah! It feels so dirty I wouldn’t go if I had been interested before.
On the other hand, now that’s a good idea eh? Advertise shamelessly on blogs with high number of readership! “Remind” people with “Oh BTW”s!
I wonder if this is a Thoughtworker pattern, heh.
January 24th, 2007 at 7:26 am
http://sharon-jacobsen.co.uk/thewaterbutt/2006/5-things-people-collection-tag/ is where the 5 things started as a way for writers to get ideas: “if every blogger gave some information about themselves that would be useful for writers to have on their ?people collection list?, we?d have a wealth of research material to dip into whenever the need arises.”
Although this got dropped: “PLEASE LEAVE THE FOLLOWING IN ALL ?PEOPLE COLLECTION? POSTS
Remember that it isn?t always the sensational stuff that writers are looking for, it can just as easily be something that you take for granted like having raised twins or knowing how to grow beetroot. Mind you, if you know how to fly a helicopter or have worked as a film extra, do feel free to let the rest of us know about it “