Stabworthy office denizens
Is there a polite way to inform a coworker that they have a personal habit that makes one want to slowly rip off one’s own arms and hurl them in the general direction of said coworker just to get them to stop, however briefly?
Over the years, I’ve been confronted with what feels like more than my fair share of obnoxious habits. So much so that I’m starting to suspect that it could just be that I’m such a sensitive sort that the merest distraction is enough to make me want to cry like a little girl.
It all started with the tapper. At the time, I was working in a location where the floor had no carpet, in an artsy sort of venue, where most of the developers laboured under the foolish notion that they’re also musicians and expert music critics. The tapper’s methodology would go as follows. He’d bring in his fatass Seinheisser headphones, plop them on his severely underpopulated head, and listen to music. All is well so far, perfectly anti-social and work-friendly behaviour. The fun though starts shortly thereafter, where he starts twitching his entire body in sync to this imaginary music. This was no mere head bobbing up and down sort of event, nor is it the odd foot waggle. Oh no, it’s a full body spasm, where the feet tap furiously, the arms jerk onto the desk, and the wheelie chair he’s on periodically slides out from under him. It got so bad that I would have to take regular breaks from work depending on his energy levels. This went on for six months, and I never figured out a polite way of suggesting that my life would be vastly improved if he either became a quadriplegic or lost all his limbs.
Next we have the eater. The eater consumes lunch at the office (nothing wrong with that, of course.) The eater however does not consume his lunch in a manner than civilised people have been taught to. The eater consumed it with a perplexing disregard for that simplest of eating axioms, close thy mouth, you obnoxious loud fuck.
The eater feels the need to share every single chew with his mesmerised audience. Whether or not you want to, you will discover the exact texture of everything the little shit ingests. Soups will be slurped, moist sandwiches will be squished moistly, and every bite will be followed with one of those loud caricatures of a swallow that normal people only use for the sake of exaggeration or effect. Don’t even get me started on the deafening roar of drink gulps.
There are other varieties, depressingly. Just when you think you’ll never have to deal with one of these again, you’re confronted with a…nail clipper. Yes indeed, some people think it’s perfectly sensible to clip their nails (all 20) in the office.
The problem with these, unlike the farters and burpers, is that it’s impossible to tell if they’ve just never found out that behaving in this manner is uncouth and unacceptable, so you can’t make a joke about it or even tell them off. A farter knows he’s doing something wrong, and will either look sheepish or brag in the face of authority. The tappers, chewers, clippers, heavybreathers, twitchers, rockers, pokers, patters, sportsyellers, arsebandits, hairstrokers, beardedwonders, turdmisflushers, malpissers, snotwipers, peepers, (those who come up behind you, ask you a question, then just stand there indefinitely looking at your screen), and other such office flora and fauna seem to be blissfully unaware. I’m sure I haven’t even covered the worst of it. Is there an acceptable way of dealing with such without committing a crime or copious amounts of blood?
June 13th, 2006 at 3:59 pm
This is an amazing coincidence; I just told off on someone’s manager to warn this obnoxious bitch at work on the amount of noise she was generating. This women _kept_ _on_ CLICKING 1000 times/minute on her mouse while playing MINESWEEPER at work. She is (supposed to be) a programmer.
The more I encounter such annoyances, the more I believe my problem isn’t just with people’s quirks. No Sir. I do believe with a certain amount of confidence that I have a genuine problem with some people’s EXISTENCE. It’s unfathomable to me believe how some people breathe in the same oxygen but manage to produce so much shit, are very good at being inconsiderate and have phenomenal success at being slow and stupid.
The good programmers focus hard, and need a continous unbroken window of time to think deeply and really work on a problem. At that point of focus, sounds get *very* bothersome, a concept which would be naturally unfamiliar to an imbecile.
Even though I don’t like Microsoft, I started thinking that giving each programmer their own room might have certain merit, letting a programmer to enjoy a piece of mind while working on any level of depth they want to, and socializing when they want, instead of having to socialize all the time.
June 13th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
The trouble is that rarely can a rude individual be confronted in a polite way. Sure, the sensible thing to do would be to tell feltch piles who pontificate about what “good” programmers need, to try sticking their genitalia in their ears if precious silence is so valuable. Maybe even make a snide comment about the excretions, which are sure to follow such a recommendation, providing more use in that space between their ears than the very little grey matter currently occupying it. But then they would just turn red and start to gyrate wildly as they attempted to justify such loathsome behavior. While the watching the various shades of color being to appear as the fat little turds squirt out a mind numbingly vapid response can provide a moment or two of pleasure, the further gyration and inevitable spittle spraying through the air would defeat the intended purpose. I say it?s best to just let sleeping dogs lie.
June 13th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
I, like you, was fed up with the ill-mannered slobs in my workplace, specifically in regards to bathroom etiquette. And it was out of my frustration that the bathroom dashboard was created.
http://www.kazmier.com/~kaz/alerts/alert.cgi
This dashboard presents data on 5 metrics. The classification of severity is done using the same system that Homeland Security uses to monitor the nation (afterall, this was devised for simplicity, so why reinvent the wheel?)
The meters are:
1) The urinal alert which is a measure of how much urine failed to make it into the urinal and instead landed on the floor which by the end of the day form puddles.
2) The olfactory alert should be self-explanatory, which by the way is a nod to a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. Just for a point of reference, Severe is used to indicate dry-heaving will occur if the bathroom is entered.
3) The terror alert just mirroring the state of the nation, don’t want to get caught with your pants down in the event of a terrorist attack.
4) The office alert which refers to what we call the “office”, it is the handicapped room within our bathroom. It is completely sealed and is in much demand throughout the day because of the privacy it affords. The meter indicates whether or not it is open for business.
5) Finally, the ass/pubic hair meter which measures, you guessed it, the leftovers from the hairiest employees, nothing is more nasty than coming upon an ass or pubic hair covered toilet.
These meters are monitored by a network of close friends, and changing the values of any meter (by clicking on a new severity), sends an IM to all of us, notifying us of any changes is status. I.e., you better run for the “office” before someone else gets it, or you better bring a pair of rubber booties if planning on pissing at one of the urinals.
Okay, so maybe I went overboard, but the system has been running for almost 2 years now …
Pete
June 13th, 2006 at 5:05 pm
I can beat all of those. This guy that sits in the next cube from mine actually has turrets syndrome. He incesently pounds his chest, makes this weird kind of ppphhaaa sound with his mouth (like making the “p” sound followed by a huge exhale) followed by him clasping his fingers and clapping with his palms in rapid motion. It is the most bizzare thing in the world to witness and who knows if he even realizes he is doing it. To top it off he is a rude little bastard of a man so you can’t even feel sorry for him.
June 13th, 2006 at 6:05 pm
Q: Is there an acceptable way of dealing with such without committing a crime or copious amounts of blood?
A: Print this blog entry out, and stick it on the offender’s screen.
June 13th, 2006 at 6:29 pm
The giant cartesian grid of humans I work amongst features an example of everything mentioned so far (except the Turret’s guy who sounds like Mr. Peepers — my sympathies unobriani). The worst sonic assault, by far, is the “scream sneezer” a few cubes away. There is no difference between the sound of his sneeze and someone having their genitals pierced with a hole punch. Until it’s over you have no idea which it is. F$%@ing horrible. A 2 sec event pisses me off for about an hour. I’ve come to the conclusion that all ambient sound in the workplace is bad and spend most of the day with ear phones in. However that damn sneezing banshee is just too powerful.
June 13th, 2006 at 6:59 pm
Actually, Turret’s syndrome is when someone thinks they are a cannon and they walk around making whirring sound and spitting gum balls in the form of shells.
You are probably referring to Tourette’s Syndrome.
June 13th, 2006 at 8:26 pm
Get a pair of these http://www.etymotic.com/ephp/er20.aspx
June 14th, 2006 at 3:12 am
you are a bed-wetter, hani.
June 14th, 2006 at 3:51 am
I hate the mobile phone bastards that are never in the room but leave their mobile phones on their desk. Of course their ring profile is set on “normal” which means, with proper ringtone configuration, the ring tone increases every 2 seconds until the phone explodes or everyone near the phone is deaf. Sadly the phone never explodes in real life but chances are high that you are deaf at some point or just become insane.
June 14th, 2006 at 4:12 am
There are some funny creatures lurking in the office these days. When I was working at IBM we had “The Atkins Man”: a skinny bloke who told me he once weighed 150kgs. Apparently the Aktins diet turned him into a prematurely wrinkly skinny bloke. He’d eat sausages and brown sauce for breakfast. Bacon, steak and chicken for lunch (with gravy) and pepperami sticks for those inbetween times. The thing is he was well aware that this sort of diet may not be balanced and had thus devised a nutritional calendar to supplement his suicidal eating habits. So, at regular intervals his PDA would beep a certain beep, he’d open his draw and, depending on the exact sound of the alarm, either eat a blue pill, a red pill or a peanut. Alarms were an hourly occurance that had nearby office workers mesmerised.
Luckily, after a few months, the desire for bread got the better of him (no bacon butty without bread of course) and his Atkins diet became and “Atkins + starch” diet. Last time I saw him he was well on his way into fitting into some his old fat-bloke clothes – but at least the nutrition calendar was silent.
June 14th, 2006 at 4:20 am
Hani, what software are you working with at the moment? If it’s less bileworthy than the people you work with, then we want to get some of that.
June 14th, 2006 at 6:50 am
Is the misflusher someone who doesn’t flush or someone who flushes but leaves some shit pieces and stains on the pan? What’s the etiquette here? Is it my fault the flushter didn’t clean the whole pan??
If there is some splatter on the seat I don’t mind cleaning it.. but anything else just stays.
Think about it.. if the next guy comes in just for a piss, he can practice aiming at the shit and piss it off.
June 14th, 2006 at 12:10 pm
this is a bile? what a worthless piece of shit. you deserve all those annoying coworkers for this. fucking pathetic.
June 14th, 2006 at 12:31 pm
LOL, oh shit I’m sharing an office right with one of those who thinks I should hear every damn bite of his freaking lunch in stereo. Been a few others in the past as well. And oh don’t get me started about the fuckwads who leave their cell phones on their desk at max volume. Look at me I’m important I get phone calls. Fuckers.
But none of them top the cake as the guy at an old job who used to sit on the other side of the cube with headphones on and would actually sing. Everyday, it was “smoooooke on the water, fire in the sky”. I think the fucker only owned one damn CD or had some serious compulsive disorder. We finally had to break down and tell him because the receptionist out in the freaking hallway could hear him. He acted embarrased and surprised that he was doing it!!! Ahh damn good insanity for all.
June 14th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
I have to share this. I worked with a guy who ate chicken breasts from a baggy. No bread(ing). No toppings. Not sliced. Just a single chicken breast. At his desk. Two feet from me.
June 14th, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Hani, you are pathetic because you work in cubicle ;-) You are goods, damaged by political correctness. Come on, is it a problem to tell a person to stop tapping or slurping or cracking their knuckles, or talking loudly over the phone? And by the way, this makes more sense than telling a farter to stop farting, because the best he can do is to stop drinking coffee.
What is up with you people when you cannot tell a person directly about such things? And when you do you immediately become enemies? This is plain stupid.
June 15th, 2006 at 11:26 am
Ah, yes … the malpisser. Perhaps where Bob grew up it was acceptable to leave two and a half gallons of urine on the floor each day … gave the place a sort of lived-in feel, I imagine.
But how could you POSSIBLY leave out the Speaker Phone Asshole ?
One of my pet peeves is writers who use a plural pronoun to reference a singular antecedant, as in the phrase “.. inform a coworker that they have …”.
In English, we may say :
“… a coworker that he has …”
That’s right. In English, the indefinite pronoun takes the masculine.
Or we may say :
“… coworkers that they have …”
When the object and pronoun agree.
Many people are pissed off by ‘language lawyers’. All that lot would be wrong.
Regards,
Uncle Wiggly
June 15th, 2006 at 11:44 am
I.like(bigButts) && I.canLie(false);
otherBrothers.canDeny(false);
when (girl.walksIn()){
if (girl.hasIttyBittyWaist() && roundThing.getLocation()==your.FACE){
you.getSprung();
}
}
June 15th, 2006 at 3:00 pm
Do you want to know what drives me crazy at the office? It’s when I find that developers are not using either Tapestry or HiveMind. It’s simply amazing in this day and age that, although Tapestry is the most brilliant framework ever written, people are not jumping on my personal bandwagon.
Cheers,
Howard
PS: Smoke Tapesty – it’s like crack cocaine! Try some! One hit is all it takes!
June 15th, 2006 at 4:19 pm
My name is funnier than Prick Lowtower’s! Now STFU and jump onboard before the Ship sinks.
June 15th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Yo! The real schizzle in the office is me! Seriously though, one thing I hate at the office is developers that take large reams of code and paste it on their blogs as if there is something meaningful there. Another thing I hate at the office is those certain kinds of developers that think blogging is way better than writing in a diary.
Has anyone found any shiny new technology toys to dangle in front of my eyes lately? If so, head on over to my blog (oops) and post up the URL.
Schizzle my nizzle!
Rick
June 16th, 2006 at 1:37 am
Hani, by some coincidence I just finished cataloging another office denizen: The Pedantic Negativist. Sadly, there really isn’t much exageration in the article. This guy really exists.
Check it out at:
http://web30.blogspot.com/2006/06/pedantic-negativist.html
June 16th, 2006 at 9:38 am
You’re forgetting the guy who thinks its OK to look at softcore porn.
June 16th, 2006 at 9:51 am
It’s NOT OK to look at softcore porn ?
Oh, I get it. It shoydl be hardcore.
My bad.
June 16th, 2006 at 1:30 pm
I sat next to a guy who did this in a meeting:
1. Chew/bit his nails (like every one)
2. Only enough so that he could then tear off his nails.
3. Took the last nail and flossed with it.
4. Bent the flossing nail in half, then kinda sucked on it making a sucking/clicking sound.
This went on for 35 minutes. Since I was full meeting room, I couldn’t get up and change seats. I also couldn’t give him my usual response to such acts– a questioning/firm “Dude! Come on!”. I have a pretty high tolerance for people being jackasses but this guy really put me over the edge.
June 16th, 2006 at 2:54 pm
Poor bile Hani – that too after so long. What, Marc Fleury suddenly become your friend?
June 19th, 2006 at 2:24 am
Just tell them what bothers you, and pretend to be German (or at least you had significant exposure to German culture (World Cup will do)); if they ask questions, point them to the following article:
“Have You Gained Weight?”
Don’t beat around the bush in Germany. If someone asks a question, answer it honestly and expect the same in return. “Yes I have put on a few pounds,” is the correct answer.
http://service.spiegel.de/cache/international/0,1518,416920,00.html
June 19th, 2006 at 7:17 am
And what to say those about whose breath can turn your head to sides when speaking straight against your face. What kind of shit might they eat? Worst when one of these guys is your boss and you have to share a long and serious conversation. Then escaping that polluted and “sweet-smelling” air coming out from his mouth is really an adventure. Shit! you have to be a contortionist, able to move you head to right, then to left, then pointing your nose down – never up!… what a torture…
Even worse when – because of that “sweet-smelling” reminding you that shitty-smoky breath – you cannot concentrate your mind out to other issues, and then you begin paying attention to those shit-coloured teeth the speaker has… fuck!
What’s the matter with that people?
They’ve never given a kiss to their wife or what? They might have kissed their dog instead…
I am afraid most of them have the minimum idea of what a toothbrush is! foul-smelling people, why dont they rinse their mouth with fuel!
June 19th, 2006 at 10:54 am
I had one coworker who’d regularly choke on his food. The other colleagues and I came to the conclusion that he’d choke about one in every ten meals. You can imagine the frustration we went through roughly every couple of weeks when we’d be submitted to about five minutes of non-stop coughing around lunch time. Thankfully one day he choked so much that he died. Falafel I think it was. The office is peaceful now.
June 19th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
Here’s a subtle way, that also conceals your identity if you’re worried about that sort of thing. Get their passwords and ID’s thru a key-stroke collector, then browse the interweb for sites, books, etc that deal with their annoyance. In no time at all they’ll start getting SPAM and product suggestions about how to deal with their problem. If they’re not completely dense ( unfortunately most of them are ) they’ll maybe get the hint and say to themselves “Gee, I hope >I< don’t do that”.
June 19th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
And just for sharing, office annoyances I’ve encountered over my cubicle career:
1) Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad Breath, it’s worse when they come into your office and belch. I almost gagged once.
2) Noisy Eaters (the office isn’t soundproof)
3) Noisy drinkers (worse than noisy eaters), This one guy sounded like he was performing *ral on the coke can after every drink.
4) People who sit their *ss on my desk. To counter this I just pile stuff up on the spot. The denser ones just move it of course.
5) Smelly food. Sometimes it smells like they sh*t in a bowl and then microwaved it.
6) Loud talkers, from across the floor. We installed sound dampening walls around the breakroom/coffee area, but this guys voice cut right thru that.
June 19th, 2006 at 4:44 pm
in latest news Mike and Manu got fired
June 20th, 2006 at 5:02 pm
Yo Schiz!
http://www.geocities.com/rick_m_hightower/arcmind.jpg
June 22nd, 2006 at 3:31 pm
Even worse than the “malpisser” is the “doesn’t-wash-hands-after-pisser”. Yup. Witnessed a coworker head straight out of the bathroom on numerous occasions. Never shook hands with that guy again.
June 23rd, 2006 at 10:28 am
You are so very very very very lucky that your smacktard co-worker has the common courtesy to wear headphones. You would not believe the amount of people I have worked with who make it their mission to play their music over their speakers. I can only assume they want you to say “wow I really like your music”.
Instead, I tell them to turn it off or wear headphones.
June 24th, 2006 at 8:32 pm
Go Go Paired Programming!
June 24th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
To the above “malpisser” poster…
It’s not a matter of when a pisser puts his dick germs on a public item, but when and how.
Look at it this way:
You touch your dick, then if we’re lucky it’s an auto-flusher so you don’t have to touch the urinal part of the equation. If it is not, you have to hit the flusher thingy. If you touch the flusher thingy with your dick hand… well, then you’ve dicked it. Germs +1. If you do not touch it at all (which a lot of people seem to do in my company) then you have to hold your breath for those 60 seconds while pissing. Otherwise you’ll gag and barf into the urinal instead of pissing into it.
I hit the flusher with my forearm. Hey, at least it doesn’t go on my hands and I wash my clothes once a year — so I’m covered.
If the dick germs don’t get on the flusher, then the dick germs can get into the tap area of the equation. Unless the tap area is automated (like airports), Mr Dick must touch the tap thngy with his dick hand to turn on the water. Germs +1.
He washes his hands (Great!) only to need to turn off the tap thingy with his clean hand. Germs +1. The dick germs go back on the hand anyway. And now they go on the towel dispenser thingy… unless your towel dispenser is automated. (Don’t get me started on blow-dryers).
So… all that time washing your hands doesn’t mean anything because the dick germs are on the tap and towel dispenser at the end of the day. Can you wipe off those germs with a paper towel? Probably not, so why the hell did you wash your hands in the first place?! Anyway, the germs are now on the door as you go out…
That guy is actually doing you a favor because his dick germs ONLY GO ON THE DOOR, and not on the tap, towel dispenser AND door!
July 6th, 2006 at 8:46 am
I have a friend who is a “crop duster”. He loves cruising through the veal fattenting pens letting out the most malodorous miasmas from his ass of beelzebub. His favourite area is the marketing department which is full of prim and proper perfumed babes in starched white blouses and pinstripe skirts. Not for long. Once Steve has made a few fly-pasts they are running for the doors like schoolgirls with full bladders.
July 13th, 2006 at 8:29 am
“The worst sonic assault, by far, is the “scream sneezer” a few cubes away”
I know him. His name is Neil, right?