Vanity Fair
I am writing this on behalf of very many people. A huge throng of JBoss ill-wishers, who are dismayed and saddened by their current fortunate turn of events; namely, the RedHat purchase.
One has to give them due credit though. It’s impressive to be so publicly abusive to a buyer, and have that buyer still cough up untold millions of dollars as a reward. Maybe we should all take a leaf out of that book and fling virtual poo in the vicinity of anyone we’d like to retaliate with some money in our general direction.
There is much hilarity to be had from Marc’s quotes, as many have pointed out. His initial (now deleted) posting was actually surprisingly accurate, if hypocritical. Marc’s insight into RedHat’s model is in fact a perfect illustration of jboss employee mentality; attack anyone you don’t like for the exact crimes you’re busy committing. RedHat does indeed provide no value, as his garlicness asserted, It’s a vendor for the stupid, the ignorant, and the poor bastards who have to use some third party software from bigco that is only supported on RedHat. Sounds familiar?
That Marc has a strong personality and a certain kind of magnetism cannot be denied. Sure, he has a miasma of drug related anecdotes floating about him (all of which are pretty funny, to be fair), but he’s smart enough to know how to surround himself with the appropriate coterie of sycophants. After all, in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. The blind in this case constitute the overweight middle aged men, the fat insecure geeky types, and the young my-dad-molested-me-when-I-was-6-so-I-must-find-myself-a-French-American-father-figure types. Naturally, these types can’t believe that they have found someone who is able to construct coherent sentences (without uhmmm, arrrs, and ehhhs, and without each sentence juddering out like it needs to be expelled before it picks another orifice to exit from - anyone who guesses who THAT jboss employee is wins a free copy of the upcoming bileblog book), someone who is in fact able to interact with people in a very impressive approximation of a normal person, and thus maybe even rub off some of the ‘cool’ on them! Having said that, it’s still mildly perplexing how these people’s chosen idol could be someone who has managed to combine the worst parts of American and French culture into one odious personality.
That is not to say that all JBoss employees are fuckwits. The public mouthpieces all certainly are, but it’s certainly quite plausible to sit down and have an honest conversation with some of them, and interact with them as any functional human being would interact with any other. What is surprising however is how many are incapable of that simple act. They’re a bunch of self-centered religious insecure despicable worms; their every word a constant battle between the urge to finally be loved, respected and admired, and the wild lashing out at being unloved, disrespected, and viewed as wayward children at best, lying scheming cunts at worst. There are few companies that I can think of where the top staff have all lied, cheated, and been so thoroughly unprofessional as this lot. There is certainly a grim sort of entertainment value in following their antics, which I am sure will continue for the foreseeable future.
It’s a shame really that the Oracle buyout didn’t work out. The best thing that could have happened would have been a buyout by some other Java EE vendor. JBoss would be quietly gutted over the years, and the culprits slowly turfed out on their dirty little asses. Sadly in RedHat’s worthless world, even piles of dogpoo like JBoss seem like a significant offering.
Of course, it’s easy for jboss fanboys to dismiss all this as jealousy. Let me assure you, it’s far from jealousy. It’s disgust, hatred, and a fundamental lack of goodwill. It’s the same feeling that biblethumpers feel towards prochoicers. The same feeling that lefties feel towards the US, Americans feel towards Arabs, and Germans towards Nazis.
See? It’s very far from jealousy. We wish you the very worst. May your penises wilt at inappropriate times. May your significant others develop scat fetishes and copulate with your pets. May you suffer dangleberries while armed with a 1-ply unquilted single square of TP. May the world finally, against all odds, punish Evil, for a change. If I cared enough, I’d even download Geronimo in protest. Haha, only joking. I’m not THAT deranged with grief.
April 12th, 2006 at 3:57 am
first!
$350 mil buys a lot of squares of tp!!
April 12th, 2006 at 4:04 am
Q. (without uhmmm, arrrs, and ehhhs, and without each sentence juddering out like it needs to be expelled before it picks another orifice to exit from - anyone who guesses who THAT jboss employee is wins a free copy of the upcoming bileblog book)
A. Gavin McFluery
Book pls.
April 12th, 2006 at 5:02 am
Is it Andy Cauliflower? Not that I’ve heard him speak, but he seems to be the guy who Hani has mocked more than any other colourful JBoss identity in the fair pages of that upcoming book.
April 12th, 2006 at 8:29 am
3 Muskateers, indeed! And what a gay group they make! Only the dwarf in the middle seems a little stunned from the roofies the others mixed in his drink…
April 12th, 2006 at 8:33 am
Uhmmm, I will not, hrrrm, be insulted, ehhh, by you Hani… I am a big Red boy now…
Bill Burke
April 12th, 2006 at 8:41 am
My money is on Marshall “I can’t string a coherent sentence” Culpepper
April 12th, 2006 at 9:01 am
Yes, it’s your lonely, unloved, unwanted, unwashed, toe-jammy guest biler again. I couldn’t resist the urge to, like, read the Bileblog again, only to wonder what kind of poo is being shoved down our anxiously waiting pie holes.
Bad poo, that’s what kind.
The stupid Source of All Biles has dried up. All of a sudden, blogs got relevant or something, almost like events were worth commenting on. It’s just not fair - I look for blogs to be http’s equivalent of helicopter peeing, and instead we’re being told to watch out for the yellow snow.
I know what to do when I see the yellow snow - I scoop it up, cover it up with pure snow, and hurl it at the nearest available kid waiting for the bus outside, where his parents put him after watching him decorate his closet with buttnuggets. That way, he has the lovely toilet smell of poo and pee all at once.
Being told to watch out for the yellow snow almost makes it seem like the Biler, blessed be his name, doesn’t want that same desecration for us. But that’s why we read the bile blog. We need an outlet for the pterodactyl, the Cleveland Steamer all of us want to perform. If I want to read crap that takes itself seriously when it really shouldn’t, I’ll read Javablogs or TSS or, perhaps, Javalobby. Those gits couldn’t cry ‘uncle, my uncle, yes, yes, YES, YES!’ if they were being paid to.
So this bile goes to the bileblog author himself, who needs to jam a stick back up his dirtbox and spin it like a top, because everyone knows we have a Richard Gere inside who needs expression, and because we lack the courage to let him out, we need the bileblog to be the hamster in our intestines as a replacement.
Come back, O my hamster! Come back!
BTW, the simple math question is “0+15.” Anyone got a hint for me?
April 12th, 2006 at 9:10 am
I had this problem with my Java thought leaders until a friend suggested Rails. Within 30 minutes, I had a fully working, dynamic thought leader.
If a part didn’t suit me, I replaced the (auto-generated) scaffolding with my own. Not that I had to do that often, because RoR has Thought Leader By Convention (TLBC): it spouts whatever the current trend is without having to go into the code and rewrite 20 XML files - let me tell you that this was a big difference from bloated JEE leaders!
Another advantage of RoR is Duck Leading: if it looks like a meaningful thought, sounds like a meaningful thought, then it is a meaningful thought! Imagine how much time is saved just accepting any and all opinions you hear?
April 12th, 2006 at 11:30 am
Wow. Sounds like this one hit a little too close to home to be really humorous. Which is OK with me. Sometimes you gotta tell it like it is.
Hani, I’m afraid the ‘c’ word is a little over the top for me. I don’t think hatred of some things should spill over into derogatory usage referencing others - women, in this case. We went from funny to ugly at that moment, for me. That’s my view, take it as you will.
The BileBlog is one of my favorites. Will there really be a book ? Is it true that Bill Burke will co-author it with you ?
Pawn Clutcher is funny today. TLBC ! Duck Leading ! Damn !
April 12th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
Jeez, lighten up … you should try Ruby on Rails. Or JSF. Maven rules, too.
April 13th, 2006 at 12:08 am
RE: A huge throng of JBoss ill-wishers, who are dismayed and saddened by their current fortunate turn of events; namely, the RedHat purchase.
Most people don’t care one way or the other. To hate and wish ill, would require caring.
The much longer throng just don’t care.
April 13th, 2006 at 11:11 am
how much wine and cheese can you buy with $350m?
April 15th, 2006 at 10:30 am
How many nannies can you buy with $350mm?
April 15th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
How many Clowns can you punch with $350M
April 16th, 2006 at 2:39 pm
A: Gavin King
He is the real master of hmmm…..aehm…..bzzzzzz.
Please send the book to its journey to germany.
April 17th, 2006 at 4:04 pm
How many Nom’s de Plume can you set up on TSS with $350M?
April 18th, 2006 at 11:05 am
After thinking about it a few days, it seems to me that this stuff is as close to totally irrelevant as possible.
Neither Red Hat Linux nor JBoss will have significant long-term (> 3 years) effect on the IT industry.
It’s a yawner.
July 22nd, 2007 at 11:04 am
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