Another Anniversary
On June 10th, bileblog’s second anniversary will come to pass. I thought it might be fun to rustle up some stats to celebrate the occasion:
I am somewhat surprised at the low counts of obscenities. The word penis is only used 24 times. Anal is used just twice, twat a mere 9 times, fapfest a measly 4 times, and some form of masturbate a decidedly unimpressive 24 times. There isn’t a single mention of any form of female genitalia (must not upset the bilegirls, you see.)
We also have ‘genitalia’ mentioned 22 times, and asshat rearing its ugly head (har har) 30 times. So while the content is undeniably smutty, it manages to overall remain good clean family fun, not counting the 124 usages of some form of the f word, mind you. I suppose one would also have to exclude the variety of feces related occurrences too (34 turds, 10 poops, 13 poos, 100 shits.)
In terms of self love, we have 23 wank related incidents and 22 faps (including things like fapfap noises, fapfests, and boring old fapping),
Product mentions are of course the bread and butter of bileblog. JBoss gets 293 mentions, which explains why I feel like half their employees are involved in some combination of stalking me, putting up posters of me in their bathrooms to jizz over, and endlessly obsessing over every word I say (not in a good way.) Even the miserable maven only merits 123 mentions, with apache trundling along with 60. In terms of real companies, IBM gets 48, and BEA gets a most unimpressive 19. I guess I could come up with some sort of evil index to rank these bundles of joy.
So here’s to another year of bile! I’m sure there’s a lot of good stuff coming up. There’s a new version of maven, there’s geronimo finally admitting that they’re all still jboss employees and are writing an astoundingly crap server just to convince people to use jboss (that’s what it looks like right now anyway) and of course, there’s more hilarity from jboss employees desperate for any kind of attention and affection, regularly whining to each other about me urinating in their cereals on a daily basis. Come on folks, perhaps you need to change marcf’s diet so you can suckle at his moobs and get the attention you’re so clearly starved for. Or did the VC’s ban those teat-tweaking parties too?
As well as introduce much smut and obscenity to the world at large, I myself have learnt many things best left unlearnt in these last two years. No sane person needs to know the difference between a gorilla mask and an abe lincoln, or when one would go with a hot lunch vs a hot karla vs a hot buffet, or whether it’s more appropriate to frot or merely go with some docking when meeting a fellow rumpranger, or even the correct way to use a manpon (and how to construct it first). IRC has been an endless source of education and dismay, often at the same time. Does anyone know the exact volume that one should use during the climax of a pterodactyl anyway?
Of course, the one thing I have yet to do is sell out, and I’d like to rectify that situation by seeing if anyone is interested in whoring the bileblog for money. Suggestions are welcome, the end goal is some form of monetary compensation for me. I could run google ads, for example. I could also offer enterprise bile (bile sans genitalia), or I could even offer a for-pay happybile mode, where I actually point out good things as well as the bad.
Of course, whatever form it is, it can’t be too much effort because of two reasons. The first of which is that this is a hobby that takes up very little time (and has to remain that way), and the second of which is that I’m astoundingly lazy.
June 7th, 2005 at 9:58 am
If you want to know what God thinks of power and money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-Dorothy Parker
As Solomon Burke sang in his Grammy winning CD, Don’t Give Up on Me ? ?None of us are free, if one of us is chained, none of us are free.?
(I failed maths again)
June 7th, 2005 at 10:01 am
Good job, Hani. You’re always entertaining. Keeping stupid people honest and highlighting ignorance is a dose of reality that people really need. Profanity is just icing on the cake.
June 7th, 2005 at 10:27 am
…ahh, the memories.
June 7th, 2005 at 10:41 am
You forgot to mention BileBlog Lite.
June 7th, 2005 at 10:50 am
5000 words? That’s not even a good sized term paper for a Division III college!
In my day, we had to write a 10,000 word paper every month and we had to carve it in stone – and we liked it!
Homos!
June 7th, 2005 at 11:24 am
That’s 5000 COMMENTS and 142,000 WORDS you dumbfuck asshat fapfester.
June 7th, 2005 at 12:03 pm
Unfortunately, after your ServerSide interview, I think you’re going to generate entirely too much goodwill towards you to keep this going.
thanks for the laughs.
June 7th, 2005 at 12:05 pm
If you want to make a lot of money on your blog, just sell it in toilet paper form so I can wipe my ass with it since that’s clearly it’s intended purpose you fucking asshat.
June 7th, 2005 at 12:11 pm
If you wanna make money, let there be a monthly “bile-the-bile-day”, where you auction off your jroller password for a day, so that Fleury and Burkboy can put some of their VC funding to good use and tell you what your mother really was like!
Happy birthday.
June 7th, 2005 at 12:17 pm
WTF is a fapfest?
June 7th, 2005 at 12:45 pm
Only 5000 comments. Clearly the simple math question used to block bots is too complex.
June 7th, 2005 at 2:31 pm
LAST POST!! (for now, at least)
Well, I guess congratulations is in order, you asshat wearing, genitalia tugging, shit-eating grinning, balding pilot from Lufthansa turned Java programmer.
Going over the last 2 years worth of comments, I am surprised that there has only been about 3 fake posts in my name. Incredible, considering the astounding lack of originality of my alias.
June 7th, 2005 at 3:02 pm
Hani, If your short on cash my VCs may be interested in purchasing your blood and jiz.
June 7th, 2005 at 3:11 pm
I recommend Google’s AdSense.
June 7th, 2005 at 4:19 pm
How many times was “Punching the Clown” mentioned?
Just Curious.
June 7th, 2005 at 8:05 pm
I thought it was “Hot Carl” not “Hot Karla” or did I miss something during the month of May which has been designated as masterbation month?
June 7th, 2005 at 8:26 pm
Last post. I can’t wait for the day to be called an asshat. It will be something that I tell my grandkids about.
June 8th, 2005 at 12:18 am
You should chat with Pud, the dysfunctional dude who did the Fucked Company website. He managed to turn it into a book, and as far as I can tell, he’s a lot lazier than you are.
June 8th, 2005 at 3:39 am
Screw the blog – go into manufacturing; there is money to be made in toilet paper. Each sheet has the JBoss logo, every alternate sheet has Gavin Fleury’s picture(s?) imprinted in Hi-Def colour. The sheets without the pics would have some nice catchphrase, like “Our code looks like your crap” or “Transactions? Its just like crap – no rollback” and finally “Eat shit! Find it in CVS”.
-K
June 8th, 2005 at 9:16 am
Bile Live for SourceBeat? Hmmm…
June 8th, 2005 at 10:12 am
What IRC channels cover Java, and most importantly where does Hani hang out?
June 8th, 2005 at 10:22 am
You have managed to survive! Wow! Congrats. Looking at Yankee culture, you should have been gunned down long time ago, by angry mob of asshat Yankeees….
After all any asshat can buy a gun in yankeeLand
;)
June 8th, 2005 at 12:21 pm
how can you be so smart and not be switching to PHP?
There’s 3 mentions of PHP in this entire blog…
It’s idiotic to continue to use Java, or it’s clone .NET, for web apps.
Take a look. You won’t look back.
Not talking about Python Perl or Ruby — scripting frameworks are even more stupid choices than Java.
Talking about PHP. See, you don’t know the difference.
Yeah, like you’re even going to read this.
June 9th, 2005 at 7:04 am
Php is totally cool, and by totally cool i mean totally SWEET!
June 9th, 2005 at 11:12 am
Hey Haney!
How’s about BileBlog.NET. Covering the .NET framework and such. You guys are real funny, although I have to say, somewhat rude occasionally in your language.
Anyway – cool, dudes.
Okay bye then!
June 9th, 2005 at 3:26 pm
Go work for a dictionary company. Moobs, manpon and assorted methods of genitalia tugging must be compiled!
June 9th, 2005 at 10:50 pm
hani in ’08
June 10th, 2005 at 10:53 pm
Foul play Hani! You hoped to increase the ref count for *asshat* and all your signature words by listing them in your latest post. Should be spamming. Ever seen hidden field designed for the Baysean? Well, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat, asshat. I’ve just bumped the (key)word count by 21.
And I know math, too!
June 13th, 2005 at 2:09 pm
Hani,
A man immerse in bile, can only harvest bile. Try a sweet blog instead, you may just make money.
June 20th, 2005 at 4:35 am
You should have counted the word ‘astounding’. Why not alternate it with ‘astonishing’? They’re both funny words…
June 21st, 2005 at 7:01 am
Happy birthday to youuuuuu…..
Ah fuck it. Good work Hani. I’m still here lurking, contributing as much as ever to the blog. C++ games dev at the moment, so Java has gone by the wayside for now. But I can’t resist looking in at the old community of arse-stuffers and chutney ferrets.
Power to the people!
Biggus.
June 21st, 2005 at 3:15 pm
Congrats you old broken down bard of brilliantly bawdy and benificient bile!
Since you asked for ideas, I would ask that you to entertain one small, eensy-teensy suggestion…
How about branching out on biling something that people *really* love to hate?
Like .NET, or heaven help us, Oracle or DB2?
People using that stuff have to literally restrain themselves physically and *daily* from poking their own eyes out with a dull #2 pencil.
I mean, if you really want to write posts that connect with people already power gnawing their own gentalia off from sheer exasperation, and who are desparately in need of a “dulcet toned voice of bile”, I don’t think you could do better.
Except possibly for Windows batch file authors… But don’t get me started.
$1 gets you the latest post, via PayPal, or you have to suffer the voices in your own head.
It could work. People would be happy. It would be lovely.
[evil grin]
July 18th, 2005 at 11:34 pm
“Twat” was mentioned 9 times, but *no* form of female genitalia??? You stooopid towel-headed camel-jockey, “twat” *means* female genitalia. I know you have no experience whatsoever with female genitals, but come on!
September 2nd, 2005 at 5:00 am
I would like to lean BileBlog ok may you give me help please
May 15th, 2006 at 9:39 am
Mr Bile,
Thought you might be amused to know that the predecessor to the product I currently help develop was called FAPS (Fault Analysis Projection System).
http://web.archive.org/web/19970409171052/www.badleys.co.uk/baddes_5.html
Well, tickled me anyway :-)
James