The BileBlog

It’s that time of the year again. Since TSSS is kicking off in a couple of days, I thought it’d be apt to post something related to that delightful organisation.

Now, I’m not an avid theserverside.com reader. Most of the threads are astoundingly tedious and repetitive. So, I thought that it’d be nice if there were some kind of summary, to avoid having to drudge through all that pap. Failing to find such a guide, I felt it my duty to write one. So here you go folks, you never ever need to read TSS again, as below I give you a succint distillation of everything that has ever been said or will be said there.

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Another innovation… Posted by: Dion Almaer on February 28, 2005 12 replies in this thread Cedric today pointed out that if you make funny fart noises, some people might laugh. I tried this and amazingly, it worked! What do you guys think? I wonder if we could add some aspects to it and wrap it in a groovyJSythonOP script with some annotations, surely we’d have the killer laugh maker on our hands!

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Helpful Posted by: Dirty Sanchez Sabramajinnahasujawali on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160234 2 replies in this thread I use jboss and love it, I work in a fortune 666 company. I like poop.

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Re: Another innovation… Posted by: James Strachan on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160234 2 replies in this thread Activefarts makes the best noises, I did a lot of work on it over the weekend and we’ll have a release out soon, it works, and it works now. You should be able to download the code at codehaus, since the whole place is such a quagmire that I’m now able to create crap willy nilly with no one the wiser. This is the power of OSS.

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NOISY: Personally… Posted by: Rolf Tollerud on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160234 2 replies in this thread

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On the other hand… Posted by: Cedric Beust on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160234 0 replies in this thread Hi sanchez, if you like poop noises, try poopNG, the latest version has some great features that many users have asked for. I’ve rewritten it in php with annotations, a combo which is surprisingly easy, intuitive, refactorable, scalable, and hardon inducing. It required jdk 1.6 betas though but we’re all running that now right?

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Re: Another innovation… Posted by: Andreas Mueller on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160236 2 replies in this thread Shut up James, you’re just abusing your position as the active* master pooper. I have to say I think it’s very unfair that you’re able to use your connections and lofty promises and occasional code spurts for financial gain, all the while doing your best to suck OSS penis. Those gluecode bastards, having their cake and eating it, it just makes me sick, sick of the whole cake.

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Helpful interjection Posted by: Cameron Purdy on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160234 0 replies in this thread Guys, actually if you think about it, blah blah blah ;) If you investigate further actually, you will realise that I have nothing to contribute at all, but the thought of leaving a TSS thread without a link to my company’s product causes me to lose sleep at night. Thus, here I am yet again trying to sound sensible and wise with my irreverant pithy comments. Peace, Cameron Purdy, Tangosol, Inc. Coherently fucking JBoss Cache

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Re: Another innovation… Posted by: Geir Magnusson on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160238 2 replies in this thread Well at gluecode we HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH APACHE. I REPEAT, NOTHING. I work for the ASF, but I also work for gluecode. That’s TWO aspects of my personality. They have nothing to do with each other and there is no conflict of interest. Sure, we (in the royal sense) have access to the super expensive TCK’s from Sun, but I (active* underhanded funder) think that I (gluecode honourable employee) am behaving in a sensible and fair manner. I (ASF hat wearer) for one appreciate Sun’s open source stance, even though I (gluecode) have to pay a lot of money for TCK access, and I (gluecode) hire a lot of my (quick ASF hat switcharoo) Geronimo friends just as they (geronimo) hired me for work for them (gluecode)

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Re: Another innovation… Posted by: Bill Berk on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160239 1 replies in this thread Fuck you geir! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, you jboss hating thief! You’re a joke, I piss on your code, and Dain, fuck Dain! Fuck you all backstabbers! My AOP impl rules anyway, and now that I’m the officially designated JBoss pottymouth I’m going to do my utmost to tell you all that you’re a bunch of dirty little cocksuckers. The VC’s can stop Marc and the others from talking smack, but nobody pays attention to me, so I can do wtf I want!

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Another happy random user Posted by: I Like Poop on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160235 0 replies in this thread Hi dirty, we also use JBOSS, we ESPECIALLY appreciate the great FEATURES it has especially in JBOSS 4. We used to use WEBSPHERE and BEA but now we are very HAPPY now that WE have switched to JBOSS. We work in the REAL world!!! BEA is SCARED!!!!! mf

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Clarification Posted by: Jonas Bonér on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160240 0 replies in this thread Bill, you’re an idiot. Shut up and let the adults talk.

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Another perspective Posted by: Rod Johnson on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160234 0 replies in this thread Actually, all this is possible right now in Spring CVS, and I touch on it briefly in my book. Download it and give it a shot! You certainly don’t need J2EE or anything else!

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Re: Another perspective Posted by: Jason Carriera on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160243 0 replies in this thread EJB’s suck anyway, for me Hibernate/Spring is the winning combo, even though the only jobs I seem able to get are ones where EJB’s are heavily used. Why would I ever use EJB3? I hate EJB3! Screw you Sun! All I need is WebWork! WebWork lets me make all the noises I’d ever need. Just file an issue in JIRA and we’ll get to it soon. Have you filed an issue yet? That’s odd, we’ll investigate. Please file an issue. Any thoughts Patrick?

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The truth Posted by: Vic Cekvenich on February 28, 2005 in response to Message #160241 0 replies in this thread It’s obvious that Sun here is making a powerplay and trying to muscle in on my obscure little business. I have no actual opinions but I will do my utmost to sound like a complete moron. Thanks. .V

See you kids at TSS. Any sessions that you’d particularly like covered or avoided?

Ahh, that delightful apache/IBM relationship. So much has come of that unholy alliance. If there’s one company that has done its utmost to inflict as much crap java on us as can be imagined, it is IBM. I mean, forget the big stuff like Websphere, all the incompetent, inefficient and over-architected classes in the JDK, or their craptastic JVM’s. Let’s look at their latest ‘donation’ to the apache imbeciles, Derby.

Derby is the result of IBM deciding that Cloudscape is a joke that nobody sane will ever pay for. The only company stupid enough in fact to touch the unholy mess is, surprise surprise, Sun. Even that was a leftover from the good old days when they believed that everything written in java was pure genius.

So, one might be forgiven for wanting to actually use the database. After all, it’s pure java, setup can’t be that hard. Just look at mckoi or hsql, quick download, and you’re up and running in under 60 seconds.

Unfortunately, you’re in for a very very rude shock if that were your assumption. It’s easy to forget exactly how incompetent the apache people are. It’s easy to misremember their King Midas touch of shit when it comes to the written word. How fucking hard can it be to write documentation, I ask you? One of Apache’s prime requirements for their page authors seems to be an English test. Anyone who passes or is able to communicate any idea succinctly is immediately failed. It’s like they found someone to rustle up some derby docs. The guy was bright, he knew his way around the product, and was eager to work. So the Apache powers that be proceeded to ‘apachize’ him by jamming forks in his colon, pulling off his fingernails, and dropping him repeatedly on the head. Only at that point is he deemed fit enough to write docs for that illustrious den of evil. Documentation that is finally guaranteed to be the correct level of obfuscation, obscurity, and user unfriendliness.

Let’s look at some concrete examples. The first step is, of course, to read the getting started guide. This guide goes out of its way to force you to read other documents to actually…get started. If you wanted to run the server in anything but embedded mode, you’re told to fuck off to some other doc. If you click on ‘libraries and class path’, you’re told to go read some appendix. The getting started guide in fact is remarkable in how it manages to contain so many pages without ever telling on how you could actually get started.

Of course, you HAVE to read the guide(s), since in true IBM/Apache style, they still refuse to write a manifest with Main-Class in it. It’s almost a if there’s a feud going on between the manifest haves and havenots. The havenots at this point have just invested too many years in their current approach, and feel they must stick to it out of a sick sense of honour or risk losing face.

Of course, all the documentation has that distinctive apache stench. It’s built with forrest, tool of gimps, sexual deviants, and child molesters. Each page contains a convenient link to itself, in case…errr…you ever get lost. Half the suggestions to read some other document involve helpless flailing and clicking about to find said document. The left nav is the most amateurish attempt at a javascript tree menu since 1996. Thank fuck I can play with the font size though, joy of fucking joys.

Eventually, after a few minutes of this pointless browsing, you will give up and resort to using google. On doing so, you will find that it is, in fact, impossible to connect to this great database without downloading a driver from IBM.

So off you go, to IBM, to download said driver. More clickflailing about. IBM’s website is truly a horror amongst horrors. It makes Microsoft’s site look like a usability wet dream. Eventually, you’ll arrive at the download you want, and of course, be told you need to register.

Unsurprisingly, registration involves revealing your sexual preferences, stance on abortion, and the last time you jammed anything in an ‘outy’ orifice. Still, you’re giving over this information for a good cause. The promised driver will arrive, the db will suddenly become usable, the idiotic cloudscape script you’ve been sent will go in cleanly, and all will be well.

Hah, right. How foolish could I possibly be? Given all that had happened, how could it be this easy? After all that mad clicking, I am now registered, and the next page is step 3 of 3 in the download. It is on this page that I am so cruelly informed ‘This product is subject to strict US export control laws. Prior to providing access, we must validate whether you are eligible to receive it under an available US export authorization. Your request is being reviewed‘.

Joy. What are the chances of my request being reviewed at 1:30am on Thursday night, I wonder? I mean, IBM employees are like government workers; they’re snoozing by 2pm, and if anyone is in the office at 4:30, it’s a modern day miracle.

It’s hard to express the rage and hatred that I feel towards these two organisations. Never have so few committed such brazen acts of incompetence and gotten away with it so readily. The mere existence and success of Apache is a testament to the fact that the world cares nothing for competence, innovation, labours of love, or quality. The lazy, incompetent, petty minded, short sighted masses recognise one of their own, and they are flocking like the filthy little sheep they are.

Does anyone understand this whole podcast nonsense? I feel like I’m missing out on some great innovation. Perhaps I’m wired differently to those people, because I simply….do…not…get….it.

From what I understand, it’s basically audio RSS. Whereas before you could happily subscribe to a feed and read it at your leisure, skip the boring parts, scroll down to the conclusion, or simply copy and paste the useful bits elsewhere, the format does work.

It works through the magic of the written word. The strength of that approach has, I think it’s fair to say, withstood the test of time. People like reading things. Reading is encouraged, those who can’t read are generally mocked.

Yet now, we have a whole new bunch of fuckwits who somehow want to LISTEN to each other. How on earth is this a step forward, or even a step sideways? I mean, forgetting how obscene the idea is in the general sense, it’s even more mindbogglingly irrelevant and inappropriate for technical content.

For one thing, geeks are by nature anti social creatures. If we enjoyed talking to people, we wouldn’t have chosen careers that result in us spending endless hours staring at an inanimate object that hardly ever communicates via the spoken word.

For another, technical content requires a different mode of digestion than a conversational piece. One often has to skip the boring bits, re-read the hard bits, and maybe even copy a code sample or two.

It’s really a sign of the inmates running the asylum. Shitstains like Michael Levin on javablogs who seems to spend literally all his time drooling over his own cleverness in managing to either record something, take pictures of something, or admire someone else’s ability to record stuff.

Sure, he’s now on my ignore list, but why must so many people suffer so needlessly? Why must there be a place in the world for such blatantly spastic ideas? Why can’t people like that be punished in a more tangible form for their negative contribution to society and/or their inability to use the right tool for the right purpose? Why can’t the javablogs editorial staff be a little bit more nazi and cull such worthless crap? Why isn’t Michael Levin bored yet? Why why why!

All we need now is for some unholy alliance between these guys and FOAF to complete the biggest circlejerk seen since the last TSS AOP panel.

UPDATE: For a good time, go to www.365adult.com. Oh those wacky aussie pornographers!

I’m off to the TSS Symposium next month, and I was trying to decide if there’s any talk that might actually be interesting enough to bother going to. Really though, I feel my excellent experience last year was mostly due to avoiding certain talks, than going to them.

So what do we have to look forward to? Very little I bet. Judging from what tickles the prostates of the TSS editorial staff, it’ll be the same old crap they promised us was relevant last year. So we’ll have some AOP panels and talks where various experts tell us all the amazing things they’ve learnt this year, and how AOP IS in fact relevant to everyone (again). For variety and to spice things up a bit, they might even show us a practical example of AOP to oohh…I dunno…inject logging statements? Implement servlet filters in an awkward and silly way that goes out of its way to avoid the facilities offered by the spec? The possibilities are, allegedly, endless.

Howard Lewis Ship will no doubt give us talks showing how clever he is and how successful tapestry projects will be if he were hired to implement them (just ask TSS, who wasted a lot of time and effort with absolutely no business justifiable end result beyond more sex appeal). The JDO crowd will make the usual disturbing noises, and we’ll have the obligatory opensymphony regurgitation talk where Mike does his ‘I’m an expert on open source and the fearless leader of OpenSymphony’ party trick and Jason twitches in rhythm to a discordant webwork2 beat.

Bill Berk will no doubt tell us how great JBoss is (I hear he’s been practising his umms, hmms and errrs). Gregor Hohpe will STILL be trying to sell more copies of his book (possibly giving Jason Hunter a run for his money in the best-dead-horse-flogging-via-a-book category), while Ted Neward will drop names and refer to Microsoft celebrities by their first name (that really must wow the girls) and somehow try to convince us that .net is relevant for java people. Rod Johnson will have completed his transformation from mild mannered intelligent British guy to freaky mad glint in the eye Spring zealot and ejbhater (possibly with a bigger posse in tow that his six pitiful acolytes last year).

Yep, great things to look forward to. This year we might even have new things to laugh at. JSF gibberish will start popping up, with Craig Mclanafanablahblahhan the bearded wonder telling us how it’ll revolutionise webapps the same way struts did (har har). I only hope Rick Hightower doesn’t make it or there’ll be a serious risk of a number of people chewing off their own genitalia out of sheer boredom.

Also new this year is a bigger vendor presence. BEA are busy convincing the java fucktards that they DO love opensource (hey, it worked for IBM), and want to marry it and beget many filthy children immediately. Oracle will err…actually the Oracle guys seem alright, and in my exposure to them so far don’t seem to do the almost mandatory chest thumping that a vendor badge demands. Maybe this will change this time round though and they’ll start telling us to use ADF and TopLink.

All in all, very much a case of same old same old. Many of last year’s woeful presenters are back for a second run with some slightly updated slides and maybe an extra joke or two.

The saving grace for the whole thing is that it’s in Vegas again, and the prospect of not going to a single presentation and just spending the three days wallowing in debauchery and smut is strangely appealing. So see you there!

What is it with this guy? I know he’s somewhat of a pothead, but really, someone somewhere should be monitoring his intake very closely, as based on his writing, it’s swinging dangerously from recreational to insane.

The latest example of this poor man’s frothings comes in the latest jboss blog entry. He’s upset about some guy who wrote some crap about open source. The actual content is pretty much irrelevant, the amusement value in the whole escapade lies in Marc’s hilarious flailing about in indignation at said article.

It’s strangely fascinating yet deeply embarrassing. The random capitalisation, the application of FistsOfF(le)ury, the half formed sentences, the surprising and innovative sentence structure, all combine to produce a piece of writing that’d result in the expulsion of any third grader in even an American school. O Natalie, where were you in this hour of need?!

I mean, what does ‘…JBoss helps this guy make money by sponsoring Tomcat and being the lead developers’ actually mean? Who is the lead developers? JBoss is a synonym for a group of people?

The insults themselves are delightfully French too, witness ‘… in order to pay our own developers and R&D and bring that PIG professional open source grade software like Tomcat 5.5′. That capital P, followed by caps on BOTH the I and G practically scream French at all and sundry.

The whole thing is hugely baffling, at first glance. It all becomes clear though when you read a bit about the target of the FistsOfFleury. Said hapless victim just happens to be one of those Geronimo asshats. This is actually pretty interesting because it shows that surprisingly, JBoss is busy soiling a variety of underwear due to the alleged threat of Geronimo. The fact that they’re worried at this early stage, when Geronimo is nothing but a frankensteinesque collection of half baked components is very odd.

Calm down Marc, you have nothing to fear. Geronimo the reality is far, far away. Still, at least they’re adding useful J2EE spec features like deployment of spring webapps. Har Har.

Welcome to open source java, where every sexually frustrated teenager gets to flail his genitalia in ways he’d never be allowed to at home or work.