The real interview with Klaus Wuestefeld
Not one to be outdone by any old fake news sites (tss, I’m onto you!) I decided to interview Klaus Wuestefeld of prevayler fame. He’s a pretty interesting guy, and I am for one am impressed with his brand of truth, honesty, and telling it like it really, really is. So without further ado, here’s a rushed transcript:
BB: Who are you, Klaus?
KW: I am a noncomformist. I like to walk around naked and scare little girls, to encourage them to think out of the box. Many people will no longer employ me or have anything to do with me, but I have recently conned those poor db4o bastards into handing me some of their money.
BB: Klaus, please tell us about Prevayler and its goals.
KW: Prevayler is like having sex with thoughtworks developers. At first, you are unclear on who is sticking it to who, and the exact number of orifices involved. Prevayler, like the sex, doesn’t have much of a goal or end in sight, it’s more about breaking free of conventional sexual activities and learning to love taking it up the dirtbox for an indeterminable length of time. It is also unavoidable because prevayler is, at this point, practically an Act of God, and you WILL use it, whether you know it or not, technical considerations be damned.
BB: How are brazilians and the foreign public considering this project?
KW: I’m very lucky to have found a group of java developers that seem to be completely and utterly braindamaged. I used to worry that Brazilians might be intelligent and wise java developers, but given how well they have adopted Prevayler, it’s clear to me that they’re the perfect idiot centre for my gibberish. The other country where I am successful is Germany. The reason for this is because of strict laws, it is impossible to ever fire anyone in Germany. Thus, developers can use prevayler and nothing bad will ever happen. Sadly the rest of the world lacks either of these crucial criteria (idiocy, unfirability) in order for them to adopt Prevayler instantly.
BB: Does the prevalence concept still scare people?
KW: I once saw a grown man put his hands into his underwear, puff and pant for a minute or two, then pull out a perfectly formed if somewhat smudged brown log. He then held it aloft while solemnly proclaiming, ‘this is prevalence’. He was not afraid, and his tone suggested he understood how important this concept is. I am confident. Sometimes though I worry that I will get cancer because of all the lies and exaggerations I have told.
BB: Changing to more technical questions, what advantages will Java 1.5 bring to developers who use Prevayler?
KW: It will be brilliant. Let me give you an analogy, which will help spell out my exact thoughts on the technical issue. Imagine there is a man in the street. He wants to cross the street, but the traffic light is red. He then waits until it is green, then crosses. Who is the man? Why is he in the street? You see, Java 1.5’s role is the chicken in that story.
BB: Is there anything new planned for Prevayler 3?
KW: The most amazing new feature of prevayler 3 will be that it will be based on the pure power of thoughts. Everyone is currently tied to the idea of using some kind of persistence, but I want to encourage people to think outside the box. The persistence myth is a cancer that is slowly eating at the heart of javaland. Prevayler 3 will be the first persistence API that breaks out of this mold. It will be so simple that it will consist of ZERO classes. That’s right, ZERO. All the data you need to store will simply have to be remembered by the user, and pulled out when needed. Of course, the query API is built in, you can just use natural language to ask the ’store’ to pull out any data.
BB: Any final thoughts?
KW: I am a prophet sent by the god ungudungu to preach his holy message of poovaylance. My god has deserted me however and so I have now assumed the godhead. I am a deity, worship me! KNEEL BEFORE ME AND PARTAKE OF MY CREAMY WISDOM! HEAR ME ROAR! GIBBERGIBBERFLIBBLE! NOOO, NO SQL! WOM WOM WOM MEEEEP BLIPBLIPPRRRTHHH PAAAARP…(transcript cut off as it’s rather hard to record the sound of all orifices firing)
BB: Indeed. Thank you for your time.
December 30th, 2004 at 4:02 am
First Post!
December 30th, 2004 at 5:30 am
ROFL .. nice .. ok now do one about coredevelopers … whoops … they no longer exist .. oh wait ..how abut that fat fuck boynes or dumbstom or .. ahh the list is never ending ..
December 30th, 2004 at 5:38 am
Best bile in a while
almost as funny as the real interview with “true OO” Wuestef*
December 30th, 2004 at 6:54 am
The most amazing thing is, the true interview is funnier and more ridiculous. I’m sure Klaus is a good chap, now if only he stopped preaching and spreding nonsense.
December 30th, 2004 at 1:47 pm
How dare you mockieren mich! Ich shall prefail!
December 30th, 2004 at 3:23 pm
Works in Safari for me. OS X v 10.3.7 - Safari 1.2.4 (v125.12).
December 31st, 2004 at 1:36 am
ROFLMAO !!
the best bit was the last line (..it’s rather hard to record the sound of all orifices firing) …
hehe …
/Qwert
December 31st, 2004 at 9:19 am
Prevayler 3 will also replace the burden of writing blogs. All your thoughts will be automatically serialized in RSS streams that sort of hang around in a really cool space that used to be webservers which Prevayler 3 will replace with something more out-of-the-box. There will be no more porridge but more of this If-I-could-teach-the-world-to-sing Matrix lingo.
December 31st, 2004 at 5:28 pm
First real interview I’ve read with that guy as the interviewee. Nice one.
January 1st, 2005 at 6:55 pm
Excellent bile, enjoyed it. And it will get easier to fire people in germany soon ;-)
January 2nd, 2005 at 9:47 pm
Hani, just curious, which orifice of his fired the BLIPBLIPPRRRTHHH?
January 4th, 2005 at 12:51 pm
I think that came out of the Clown Orifice
January 4th, 2005 at 4:37 pm
Prevalence must be equal to: cluster + passivation + indexing + simple API + DB replication through SQL
Check http://space4j.dev.java.net/ to find all that and much more.
January 4th, 2005 at 4:39 pm
Gibbergibberflibble was the clown orifice foo!
Provoyeur are wonderfully and magicalest…Yay. I like Provoyeur! I starting use now! schlooooooop, thweeeeeeep, schleeeeep (noise of spreading my greasy yellow feces onto self and onto computer sounds).
Yay, it are so funner!
January 4th, 2005 at 4:52 pm
Hani,
You are a pathetic schweinkopf who loves ze porridge.
January 5th, 2005 at 6:43 am
Hani you are one sick and funny guy! But you are proud of being sick aren’t you?
January 5th, 2005 at 8:33 am
“I’m very lucky to have found a group of java developers that seem to be completely and utterly braindamaged.”
This part of the interview is wonderful, that group would be this? tsc tsc tsc ;=P
January 5th, 2005 at 8:43 am
WTF?!?
i agree with Samuel Franklyn…. Are you proud of it?!
I´m sure it´s funny but… does it worth?!
cya!
January 5th, 2005 at 12:56 pm
Well, if Sun has made it with Java, why can’t Klaus do it again with Prevayler…?
January 6th, 2005 at 6:48 am
Sex with thoughtworks developers is more complicated: first one person tickles you in the right places, then they invite loads of their friends round, charge you for the priviledge and after they’ve used and abused you, tell you that actually you’re shit and that you really have no business being in the sex industry at all
January 6th, 2005 at 8:09 am
Samuel Franklyn,
You’re one snob guy. Your arrogance shocks at 9.0 mark on richter scala, shines like bonfire in the night…. Constantly farting that — scalable/robust/complex/enterprise — non-senses out of your noise generating device.
Stop trying so hard to separate yourself from the rest of the world by declaring yourself as an expert while the rest of the world are just mortal n ovices. You’re such a wanker… who just love to have threesome with Frans Thamura and whoever you two pick on the street.
January 6th, 2005 at 8:49 am
I misunderstood your post or are you really calling the brazilian people idiots? If I misunderstood, sorry.
January 6th, 2005 at 2:46 pm
“are you really calling the brazilian people idiots?”
Yeah, he is.
January 7th, 2005 at 11:48 am
indeed. I have found that very strange, too. Brazilan people are the first who have been called idiots on this blog.
Maybe the author has made some bad experiences with Brazilians. I don’t know other explanation.
January 7th, 2005 at 2:12 pm
“Maybe the author has made some bad experiences with Brazilians. I don’t know other explanation.”
Maybe the author’s mind is so small than he can’t undestand us. Or the author is so “vitiated” in computers that can’t understand the brazilians party, like Carnival (http://rioturismoradical.com.br/carnival_rio.htm)!
Well I invite you, Hani, to come to Brazil in February this year, to see, by yourself, how brazilians are idiots. Good Look.
January 12th, 2005 at 1:44 pm
how does carnival not make you all idiots. fagot
January 12th, 2005 at 7:22 pm
i wonder half the time whether or not it is hani who is posting all of this “conversation” himself.
February 4th, 2005 at 10:00 am
http://www.javafree.com.br/home/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=2452
March 1st, 2005 at 5:28 pm
I am a brazilian.
I am an idiot.
Should I be worried?
March 14th, 2005 at 10:47 pm
Sex with ThoughtWorkers is called ThoughtLove.
ThoughtWorkers are ribbed for your pleasure.
A.
April 7th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
What kind of stupid name is Hani?