So there we have it. All the secret meetings are over. All the business cards have been furtively slipped into expectant sweaty palms, and we’ve all said our I’ll call you’s and let’s hook ups. The highest concentration of pretentious knowitall gits has finally dispersed whence it came; JavaOne is no more.
What did we learn from it all? Sweet fuck all, it turns out. I’m proud to say that I did not learn a single thing. I went to some BOF’s, I went to some sessions, I laughed and cried, but learn I did not (partially attributed to my astounding laziness and disinterest). It turns out that the point of this dog and pony show is mostly to see other people, a know thine enemy affair.
Still, my java knowledge might be as shallow and simple-minded as ever, but I did take home some very valuable lessons. From those lessons, I have distilled a number of resolutions that I will definitely try to put into effect if I manage to scam my way into JavaOne next year.
Try to get to bed before 4am on at least one night.
Find that magical combination of drugs, drinks, gestures, and noises that’d make James Strachan make any sort of high pitched squeal (this will only make sense to anyone who has heard him talk).
Find at least one person who does not apologise or feel ashamed of using JBoss.
Find at least one person who doesn’t burst into tears at the mention of Websphere.
Hunt down various Sun people and tell them I love them. No really, I do. Just talk to their hardcore VM guys to realise exactly how stupid and worthless you all are.
Whenever anyone says ‘Irish car bomb’ at a bar, run like the wind (away from, not towards).
Spend more time with Gavin Fleury and convince him that religion and the tech world do not mix, especially when the prophet of said religion is a garlicy allcaps obsessed junkie.
Find just ONE java person who actually thinks java should be open sourced. Stab said person in the face with a random assortment of blunt objects, then staple pictures of Eric S Raymond’s moustache into the resultant gaping gashes.
Hang out in the press room more often, to overhead more conversations between serious real press people discussing exactly how crazy the Fleury is, and why publishing him is too risky and bad for business.
Take wedgie threats more seriously.
Hang out with more people who feel deep shame at ever using an emoticon. Learn some English, for fuck’s sake.
Ask the Geronimo people exactly which August they meant.
Laugh even more cruelly in the face of Struts/commons/tomcat committers than I did this time. The crowning glory of this act would be to hunt down Craig Mclalaflahwibble and furiously tug at his beard, insisting it’s some sort of clipon.
Carry a clown around so that idiot clown puncher can identify me more easily.
What have I missed?
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July 3rd, 2004 at 2:38 am
About the picture of ESR, what about this one?
http://www.trollse.cx/
July 3rd, 2004 at 6:03 am
http://jroller.com/page/mz/20040703
July 3rd, 2004 at 3:06 pm
Have pity on the poor fools standing in the pavillion all day giving out chutzcha (sp?). It’s murder on the back and feet.
July 3rd, 2004 at 3:45 pm
Here’s one you missed.
– Don’t go hopping into cabs in the middle of the night thinking you will find something open.
July 3rd, 2004 at 7:50 pm
And if open it won’t be serving alcohol…
July 3rd, 2004 at 8:25 pm
How about wearing your uniform?
July 4th, 2004 at 10:01 am
Hey fate – you ever notice one of the first bloggers http://www.jwz.org always copyrighted his posts? I would advise you to do the same.
July 4th, 2004 at 1:14 pm
Everything you create is automatically (C) the author.
July 4th, 2004 at 5:26 pm
Anyway Hani, I think this blog will soon be so “trendy” that you will have a group of idiots following you and worshipping you, so Clown Puncher can see you from 1km distance. My suggestion? Don’t worry, start a religion with piramidal/MLM scheme. ^_^
July 5th, 2004 at 8:51 pm
Jeez, you drunken bastards… Sorry I missed it, but it didn’t seem worth the money just to get drunk with you depraved reprobates again… maybe next year :-)
July 7th, 2004 at 7:43 pm
Hani, next time I’ll just look for the guy wearing his underwear waistband over his belt.
July 14th, 2004 at 4:00 pm
Good luck. Do you know how many teenagers there are on this planet?