While we’re waiting for the final verdict on poor Russell’s crucifixion, I though I’d give some advice for the JavaOne attendees this year…
Double check your swagbag. There is often much loot to be found in the main pavillion. Think of it as a treasure hunt: run around and try to collect as many pieces of swag as you can. Vendors will often hold out on swag and try to make you ‘pay’ by listening to their spiel. So be prepared to grab and run.
Pick an interesting job title for your badge. The less IT-related, the better. Plumber, carpenter, do-gooder, king of the world, and hanger-on are all perfectly respectable job titles.
Gatecrash. If you’re one of the poor bastards who only has a floor pass, then invest in some crayons and colour your badge the right colour to get into the sessions. The people at the door can only distinguish colours, and can’t read for shit.
Make sure you’re dressed like an idiot. If you’re going to be a geek, do it in style by wearing a vendor tshirt or java-related crap. This might be the only place in the world where you won’t get laughed at.
Gossip endlessly. If you’re going to be part of an incestuous community, then you might as well take advantage of it by constantly making up outrageous lies about everyone else, and telling them to everyone else.
Stalk celebrities and known bloggers. They like nothing more than to be accosted by random strangers who have nothing to say.
Blog endlessly about every little thing you do. People who aren’t there love nothing more than being reminded that they aren’t there, and are relying on you to inform them of every time you go to the toilet or toy with some other attendee’s unmentionables.
Go to the sys-con booth and apply for an editor position. They have plenty of spots, and will take just about anyone now. Grab free magazines from them too then bin them, out of spite.
Another one for you bloggers out there. Always look dismissive and deride blogs, but do not hesitate to mention yours at every inopportune moment. ‘Yeah, I actually blogged about…’ is a great conversation piece, and will guarantee instant admiration and respect.
Try to form into an orderly mob to lynch anyone affiliated with the following: maven, JBoss, Jakarta commons-*, jroller, codehaus, struts, spring (just because they’re so damn smug), JSF, SWT, JDJ, groovy, ruby, python, Canada, redhat, tomcat, AOP, IOC, TDD, the ‘open source java’ chozgobblers, and the pretentious agile twats.
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June 23rd, 2004 at 1:13 pm
One of your best posts yet!!!
So true!
June 23rd, 2004 at 1:30 pm
Hani,
You forgot:
* Take 15 minutes at a busy time and watch the geeks check their email at the free computers. Be amazed as they view porn, sex sites and practically tug fameous unmentionables right out in public.
* Eat dinner@ The Sinking Rose’s garlic based restaurant and clear out any booths the next day that appear to be gaining tractions with super bombs.
* Get invited to exclusive Borlead/BEA/SomeOtherSucker’s party with rented hot chicks and watch dorks that couldn’t get action w/a $100 in a whorehouse. Remember that u are in fact in a whorehouse at that moment.
June 23rd, 2004 at 2:49 pm
You think someone is smug?
June 23rd, 2004 at 3:00 pm
You frequently list pieces of Java code that you hate (Struts and SWT seem to be favorites) but little in the way of actual criticism. Don’t get me wrong, your rants are entertaining but a point by point detail of defects in these projects might be a nice break from yelling.
June 23rd, 2004 at 3:05 pm
Hani’s Dad could use a few spelling lessons. Nonetheless, the party scene you mention is correct, but those rented hot chicks are more commonly referred to as shills. That and the beverages are the only reasons I go.
June 23rd, 2004 at 3:09 pm
* For tons of free and excellent food, attempt to blag your way into the PRESS room. It has the advantage of comfy chairs, phones, food, drink and free terminals (inc some PCs; so you don’t have to pain yourself with those god awful Sun stations).
* Get a ribbon! Without a ribbon you’re a nobody. ‘Speaker’, ‘Author’ and the best one that shows you are truly committed; ‘Alumni’
I was always PRESS so i was never entitled to either the goody bag or to get into the sessions. But I can blag! And blag i did! Every year, it was a challenge to see if i was going to get caught out. Never.
Try and get a PRESS pass, it gives you power. If you have been printed anywhere, take it without with your mugshot and you’ll get one there and then. It also means vendors will suck up to you a lot more, and you get all the free swag!
June 23rd, 2004 at 3:55 pm
That’s the STINKING Rose you doofus, not the sinking rose!
June 23rd, 2004 at 4:21 pm
The Hani Suileman JavaOne Wedgie Challenge
Ok, we all know Hani is going to be at JavaOne (he’s said so). The challenge is to corner the four-eyed git at an opportune moment during the four days of the event ….. and give him an ALMIGHTY WEDGIE!!!! This will of course, be photographed and syndicated at the speed of mockery!!!!
The lucky deliverers of the wedgie get an automatic placement as the Jokers in next years TSS deck of cards!!
Bonus points for a Bill ‘n’ Ted style ATOMIC WEDGIE!!!!!
Get practising!! God speed and good luck!!
June 23rd, 2004 at 10:29 pm
Another great title to wear: “Innocent By-Stander”
June 24th, 2004 at 8:21 am
Only lamers go to Java One. Defcon is the only conference with any character.
June 24th, 2004 at 12:10 pm
Less-see: ‘Defcon’, D-E-F-C-O-N, where’s ‘any’ character?
June 24th, 2004 at 12:57 pm
Like you’d have a clue
June 24th, 2004 at 2:31 pm
too many spooks at defcon.
June 24th, 2004 at 7:11 pm
It seems that folks who are very concerend about being kewl or ub3r 1337 are at Defcon I agree. For the hardcore just look at the IEEE or ACM conferences and attend one of those in you area (technical area, not geographic).
JavaOne might be lame for a lot of the core of it, but the parties are better than most and when you get a good session (usually a bof) it is can be very good. Also, strangely, there are a lot of really cool people who go. Meet new people and have new ideas.
June 24th, 2004 at 9:38 pm
Question - is any one bringing the video cam when Hani and Russell B. meet at the Thirsty Bear? Sounds like hell of a “meetup”. JavaOne 04 will make history.
June 25th, 2004 at 9:10 am
On Hani v. Russell:
One fat balding unemployed Jordanian pilot.
One greying middle-aged father of soliloquy.
Folks: it’s a toss-up ;-)
June 26th, 2004 at 12:49 am
On a completely unrelated note..
Anybody know of a mailing list/website where one can ask intelligent java related questions and get intelligent answers?
June 26th, 2004 at 3:24 pm
Why would you want such a thing?
June 29th, 2004 at 9:45 pm
Hani wedgie achieved on the first day, complete with picture verification! Cam should be posting a pic soon