JDJ: Upholding a fine tradition of comical awards
The JDJ readers awards are one of those things that have an almost comforting familiarity to them. You can always count on misplaced entries, retarded nominations, ludicrous winners, and all in all a portrayal of the java landscape as one uniquely inhabited by terminally brain damaged individuals.
That JDJ would choose to glorify and encourage such spastic behaviour is disgusting and obscene. Whatever happened to the promises of more careful consideration of nominees? Whatever happened to the vague assurances we were given that this year, the awards won’t look quite as stupid as they usually do?
Fear not, those were all indeed empty vacuous promises. What’s amazing is that people actually participate in this charade. When oh when will they learn that the whole exercise serves two purposes. The first of which is to cull as many email addresses as possible to spam with ‘free digital editions’ of JDJ, and the second of which is to try to get the odd bribe or two from various vendors in return for JDJ making favourable noises in their general direction.
So what do we have this year? IBM! IBM here there and everywhere! The one tool that every single developer despises (Wesphere) seems to have placed highly in most categories, including such dubious awards as best profiling/testing tool, best java data access tool, best java debugging tool, AND best java application (!!!). Yes folks, one of the rare java applications that will simply not function on any pure java environment is up there as one of the best java apps.
The hilarity continues with BEA. They happen to win best java application server AND be a runner up for best java application. SWT somehow wins best java component; conveniently ignoring that SWT is neither a component, nor java.
If only these were a few isolated cases, it wouldn’t be so bad. These examples in fact are a random snapshot. The quality of the other nominations and winners are of equally dubious nature. XMLSpy still manages to be a ‘database tool or driver’, Oracle JDeveloper somehow manages to be a java component (good luck embedding that), and JBuilder defies all logic and common sense by still being the best java IDE out there. A throne it has merrily held on to for years because nobody has bothered telling JDJ that the java world does in fact evolve, and that living in 1998 was only cool for one year.
Also interesting is the wonderful lack of open source products on the winners lists. I’m sure this has nothing to do with corporate sponsorship and is merely a reflection of the fact that nobody actually uses opensource. Har har har.
How can this be fixed? Simple, vote with your fingers. Cancel your subscription to the free toilet paper they send you. Get off all their lists if you can. The only way they’ll learn is by their circulation being affected. Perhaps then they’ll do something more than make developer-friendly noises while continuing to insult everyone with their delivered content.
March 14th, 2004 at 8:42 pm
FIRST POST!!!
March 14th, 2004 at 11:33 pm
First post, smallest dong.
March 14th, 2004 at 11:45 pm
Removing yourself from syscon’s spam machine is fun and easy!
The following url will remove you from all their mailing lists (change foo@bar.com to your address) :
http://sys-con.com/globaldelete.cfm?email=foo@bar.com
March 14th, 2004 at 11:51 pm
IBM employees are told to login and vote for all the Websphere junk or else.
March 15th, 2004 at 3:59 am
Why does a Java component have to be written in Java? Isn’t that a bit like saying that a Java Virtual Machine has to be written in Java? The category was for “Best Java Component” not “Best 100% Pure Java Component”. Not the same thing at all.
March 15th, 2004 at 5:02 am
I would have expected that in this day and age you’d figure that most “Java Components” were in fact written in Java, i dont know.. thats just me.
March 15th, 2004 at 5:09 am
hey, good bile
March 15th, 2004 at 5:25 am
another boring as batshit bileblog. ok so it might be RIGHT but who give a flying fuck whether hani is RIGHT OR WRONG its the quality of the bile that counts. that’s three in a row. Hani has obviously let his ‘reputation’ go to his head and is bust trying to be oh-so-REASONABLE insted of simply fixing boyonets, charging straight down the enemy position, firing and swearing all the way and disembowelling anyone he finds still stupid enough to be occupying the foxhole when he gets there. nowadays he’s all a-quivering behind cover calling for backup and tanks before lobbing a couple of desultory grenades in the general direction of the hun and calling it a splendid victory before retiring for pink gin and supper in the club.
March 15th, 2004 at 8:17 am
Is a “boyonet” something that is issued to the Welsh Guards?
March 15th, 2004 at 9:30 am
…must get the sheep worried then.
March 15th, 2004 at 10:38 am
You don’t know me.
I am Joseph B. Ottinger. Nobody calls me “Joseph,” except once. It’s a psychological icebreaker, a way of saying “Sure, my name is Joseph, but please call me Joe, because we’re on familiar terms.” I do this because I would be a recluse, a hermit, if I didn’t forcibly find ways to establish contact with other humans.
I am irreparably flawed. Physically, I am hypoglaucemic, with a metabolism far faster than it should be, requiring constant sustenance. I also have a bilateral cleft palate. Mentally, I am a monopolar depressive, which means I get all the benefits of massive depression without the happiness of occasional mania.
I am married to a beautiful wife, with beautiful children, if you’ll pardon my borrowing a phrase from the Talking Heads. My wife is a wonderful person. My children have her eyes, her hair, and her zeal. This is a marvellous thing. Everything I do, I do for them. I try to find new things to teach my children every day, and I try to tell my wife every day that I love her, in a unique way.
I am a musician. I play most stringed instruments, some with moderate skill and others without. I also play many percussive instruments, and enjoy synthetic sounds, although I use primarily “real” sound sources. I have recorded a large number of songs, serving as my own producer and engineer. Some are pretty good; most are crap. I try very hard to do my best, but I don’t have the raw skill or enough of a vision to create “complete” music; I generate vignettes. I do my own singing, which – with a cleft palate – carries what I hope are unique challenges. Many of my recent songs are online somewhere; some have even gained very limited airplay.
I am an author, although I promise you that you will never see most of what I write. I write to myself, for clarification and recreation. Like my musical efforts, there is not enough discipline on my part to create something I feel is worth propagation. You can see something of what I write in Java Developer’s Journal.
I am an editor, of the J2EE section of Java Developer’s Journal. I took on this role upon request. I know J2EE fairly adequately, and I am a decent analyst, and I learn quickly and well, perceiving patterns and potential, so I think it’s a good fit.
I am also a very critical person. My ability to see patterns and potential makes me very bitter, because I see what could be as a backdrop for what is. I give everything of myself, and demand the same; when I do something, you can rest assured you’re getting the best I could do at the time, with commitment. I expect the same from others. I have rarely been satisfied; a few musicians, a published author or four (Hofstadter, Potok, Gibson, Lee), and even a software product has gotten it bloody well right every now and then, but most of the time… all I see is what could be, and it hurts.
I am a Jew. I am a Jew who studies the momentum his Jewishness gives his personality and mores, and is unapologetic about it. I will never forget what I am, or what brought me here, the fires of Europe and the blades of Russia, the whips of Egypt and the chains of Babylon.
I am broken. Is that not enough? Being broken, I strive for completion, and I don’t even know what completion will manifest itself as. Quoting Rush’s “The Fountain of Lamneth,” I’m forever at the start… and still, I am.
You don’t know me.
March 15th, 2004 at 10:48 am
Any appserver software that unzips to over 800 megs before you do anything to it must be GREAT software, probably the best ever!
March 15th, 2004 at 12:23 pm
> You don’t know me.
In my best Beavis voice, “are you threatening me?”
March 15th, 2004 at 12:51 pm
Is there any java magazine worthy subscribing to?
March 15th, 2004 at 1:29 pm
JDJ email
lists of eternal fish wrap
please unsubscribe me
March 15th, 2004 at 1:42 pm
Email is fishwrap?
Only if you print it out
Thus, you are a fool.
March 15th, 2004 at 1:58 pm
For I am SPIFFSTER!
Hear me ROAR! I’m going to shove
a pineapple up
dammit.
March 15th, 2004 at 2:02 pm
There once was an asshat from #java,
Whose jimmy was colored dark mauva,
With a twist and a shove, and a grunt from above,
The channel screamed, “Give me more, Matha!”
-a Spiffster Limerick(TM)
March 15th, 2004 at 2:07 pm
There once was a channel of vegetables,
Whose rantings were completely non-sensible,
But under their leader of Bile,
and a steaming hot pile,
they’re all now tugging unmentionables.
March 15th, 2004 at 2:12 pm
JDJ Awards!
Who won the best database?
Not a book, I hope.
March 15th, 2004 at 2:32 pm
Hani’s bite has gotten weak
Biling powers past their peak
Easy targets now he shoots
Sticking to low-hanging fruits
Slagging off the Reader’s Choice
But speaking with a muted voice
So BileBlog readers, join the cause
And help our Fate correct his flaws
Perhaps Viagra ™ can restore
The vigor heard in days of yore
(click here to contribute via PayPal)
March 15th, 2004 at 2:50 pm
This letter may seem a bit long, but Java Developers’ Journal’s contentious teachings cannot be adequately described in less than a long essay. To plunge right into it, Java Developers’ Journal can fool some of the people all of the time. It can fool all of the people some of the time. But it can’t fool all of the people all of the time. In the past, when I complained that Java Developers’ Journal was attempting to feed information from sources inside the government to organizations with particularly appalling agendas, I was told that I was just being bloodthirsty. But nowadays, people realize that it has warned us that before you know it, mendacious, callous sideshow barkers will commit all sorts of mortal sins — not to mention an uncountable number of venial ones. If you think about it, you’ll realize that its warning is a self-fulfilling prophecy in the sense that it believes that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as it. Sorry, but I have to call foul on that one. Java Developers’ Journal is always prating about how it would sooner give up money, fame, power, and happiness than perform a nasty act. (It used to say that everything it says is completely and thoroughly true, but the evidence is too contrary, so it’s given up on that score.)
Many people who follow Java Developers’ Journal’s artifices have come to the erroneous conclusion that Maoism is a be-all, end-all system that should be forcefully imposed upon us. The truth of the matter is that my dream is for tired eyes to open and see clearly, broken spirits to find new energy, and weary arms to find the strength to embrace diversity. Before long, Java Developers’ Journal might be diagnosed with a special type of mental illness that is not yet recognized. But for now, be aware that if it thinks its philippics represent progress, Java Developers’ Journal should rethink its definition of progress. In point of fact, diabolism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge.
Java Developers’ Journal’s slaves are not, technically, careless rotters, but rather horny, ghastly pests. I aver that there is a small — yet not entirely insignificant — difference. One might claim that Java Developers’ Journal is deeply involved emotionally in its attack on truth and reality. While that’s true, it does somewhat miss the point. You see, Java Developers’ Journal ignores a breathtaking number of facts, most notably:
Fact: Java Developers’ Journal is intentionally being shameless.
Fact: Java Developers’ Journal’s legates lie about their reinterpretations of historic events, and then, when we’re all convinced that no harm will be done, they suppress all news that portrays Java Developers’ Journal in a bad light.
Fact: Java Developers’ Journal’s prank phone calls constitute an instigation to give voice, in a totally emotional and non-rational way, to Java Developers’ Journal’s deep-rooted love of fanaticism.
In addition, Java Developers’ Journal has been deluding people into believing that things have never been better. Don’t let it delude you, too. Some day, I want to eschew callow Comstockism. But you don’t have to wait for that. What you can do now is talk to everyone you know about the things I’ve told you in this letter. Use every medium available to you. Use the Internet. Use your telephone. Use radio and newspapers. And whatever you do, never be afraid to speak out against the evil that is Java Developers’ Journal.
March 15th, 2004 at 2:55 pm
It isn’t Viagra that will give Hani wood,
Instead Chiara’s droning on should.
Hey Chiara, would asking for a blow job be rude?
What did you say!? Chiara’s a dude?
March 15th, 2004 at 5:14 pm
This joseph ottinger fucktard has been spamming all sorts of places including fuckedcompany.com. Unbelievable that he/she/it has found it’s way to bileblog of all places. What’s really scary is that it’s _not_ a bot apparently since the content of it’s droppings is customized — it mentions J2EE and Java here but not on fuckedcompany.com
I am not sure what’s going on — it may be an elaborate troll or social experiment of some sort.
March 15th, 2004 at 5:22 pm
for once, the comments are funnier than the blog…. ROFLMAO….(oh btw, I’m Joe’s jewish brother).
BTW, are there any sacraficial java cows left for BBQ? Maybe time to jump to the dot NET range and bile them some more…like how I keep getting GD(goshdang)MF viruses and that B/F runtime.
March 15th, 2004 at 6:15 pm
There once was a limerist named spiffster,
Whose limericks were foul-odored to sniffster,
With a push of a button
Steaming piles he’d glutton
And post his poor limericks in this dumpster.
gu hah har har har.
March 15th, 2004 at 6:52 pm
Maybe Joe “blather” Ottinger and Chiara “jibber jabber” can get together for a blind date…
March 15th, 2004 at 8:06 pm
Hey, Hershey isn’t a bad place to be from .. as long as you’re not “riding the Hershey highway” .. ;)
March 16th, 2004 at 9:48 am
You know, having worked on Websphere fairly extensively over the last few months, I have to say that WAS5 is nowhere near as bad as WAS4 was – and while I still find it to not be as good as its billing would lead you to think, the admin console is fairly comprehensive and – if you have time to wait for it to start up and shut down – it’s actually not half bad.
This is a vast improvement from my feelings on it a year ago. This is why I continually try out products, even if I have no affinity for them – because they might surprise me by actually working decently.
I don’t know that I’d have voted WAS5 for “best java product,” though, not by a long shot.
March 16th, 2004 at 10:52 am
btw, I don’t know why someone is spoofing me with that last comment about Joe…he’s my bro remember?
March 16th, 2004 at 3:21 pm
i think i’ve mentioned this before, i’d like to hang the Websphere fuckwits by their balls dangling from a rotating ceiling fan and watch with pleasure as their balls fall off. Then to match the pain i’ve suffered using Websphere, I would like to see these fuckwits ram-rodded with a rectangular ruler as long as my 12-inch dick.
March 16th, 2004 at 4:22 pm
Why doesn’t Ottinger just go off into a road somewhere and play with the traffic ? Do us all a favour. You know nothing. The Puncher will be calling
March 16th, 2004 at 9:03 pm
You mispelled ‘Wesphere’.