Meeting Etiquette
Many of us I’m sure spend a lot of time in meetings. In fact, barely a day goes by without being roped in to some irrelevant meeting where you have next to nothing to contribute, and even if you did, you’re too disinterested to actually participate.
So, there are some hard and fast rules that should be taken into consideration when dealing with all things meetingy.
The first rule is to determine who the alpha male is. The alpha male might well be female. In other social situations, they’re known as the ‘life-and-soul-of-the-party’. They’re loud, they’re obnoxious, they like waving their arms about and telling terminally boring witty anecdotes. Having established who the alpha male is, you can then proceed to stare at them intently every now and then. The trick to alpha males is to realise that their outward demeanour is but a sham, a mere papering over the deep insidious cracks within their fragile psyche. Staring will knock a lot of wind out of their sails, especially if you manage to look mildly disbelieving/inquisitive.
The next task is to identify the wimp. The wimp is a shy quiet type, who squirms about painfully whenever more than 3 people are in a room. They have a soft small voice, and no matter how intelligent, will be easy cannon fodder for your wrath. When the alpha male asks a question, simply repeat it later but direct it specifically at the wimp. Force them to speak up to maximise their discomfort.
Meetings also generally have two diametrically opposed goals. One goal is for everyone to agree, and the second is to highlight disagreements/issues. Your job is simple. Do not participate until you see consensus approaching, then smash it down just as the others feel there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Unless you convince them that the light at the end of the tunnel is a rushing train, they’ll keep having these damn meetings.
Never bring along a notepad or any mechanism by which you can record anything about the meeting. For one thing, it’ll make you look mysterious and sinister. People will be taken aback by your brazen attitude and/or your photographic memory. Bringing food and drink in however is to be encouraged, as either will help stave off sleep for as long as you’re engaged with consuming said food or drink.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, never, ever laugh out loud. If you are highly amused by something, stick to smirking or snickering. Smiling, baring your teeth, arching an eyebrow are all acceptable. Guffawing, thigh slapping, back patting, and clapping are not. This way, you can maintain that air of mystique about your person, and ensure that those bastards who called the meeting will develop some measure of discomfort around you, and thus seek to minimise the need for you in any meetings in future.
Judging by some of the comments here, there clearly are some rather deranged people out there. For you lot, something more drastic might be sufficient. You could for example defecate into your hand, hoist aloft the fruits of your endeavour and run around the meeting table screaming ‘my uncles, I will treasure you forever!’. If that’s a bit too extreme, you can resort to the good old fashioned leap-onto-the-meeting-table-and-helicopter-pee-on-the-attendees technique. If you have no table, then stand on a study chair. Good luck!
February 6th, 2004 at 6:07 pm
assertTrue(isFirstPost());
February 6th, 2004 at 6:09 pm
First Haiku this bile,
Meetings suck, I shall make poo,
“you are my uncles!”
February 6th, 2004 at 6:09 pm
assertTrue( isWimp() );
February 6th, 2004 at 7:10 pm
I like to hoist my poo. Spiffster you are a good poet. And fartage, go ahead and just eat my turds.
The poomonkey hath spoken…now I must defecate.
February 6th, 2004 at 7:38 pm
One five incher in the left corner, another in the right – that’ll do!
February 6th, 2004 at 8:10 pm
You are SUCH a moron, Hani – “My uncles, I will treasure you forever” is SOOOOOOO much less effective than “My uncles, I will treasure THEE forever.”
Idiot. Knave. Fool. Cameldriver.
February 6th, 2004 at 9:27 pm
Hilarious. Simply hilarious. Or then I’m just suffering from sleep depravation…
February 7th, 2004 at 6:10 am
That looks like it came from the guts.
You must be such an asshole to work with ;)
February 7th, 2004 at 11:59 am
Hey Hani, you made a post about your personal tragedy… next time will you badmouth someone in the same line of you, or will you exploit cute kittens?
You know, your blog is already popular enough (imho) :)
February 8th, 2004 at 12:12 am
So, I proposed this at my last job, but only one other person liked it:
If you want to call a meeting, you need to pay for the people’s time in that meeting. I’m not talking real cash, but maybe some internal credit system, like Mr. Bushes pollution credits.
I think this could put a quick end to over-populated, non-agenda’d meetings.
(disclaimer — I’m not sure if this is an orginal thought)
February 8th, 2004 at 5:22 pm
What’s wrong with meetings? It’s another hour wasted in our boring, boring, working day ;-)
February 9th, 2004 at 1:06 am
Christ Geoff, we would all rather waste time reading the Bile Blog, than sit in an hour long boondoggle.
I personally already practice a couple of Hani’s tips. Especially the “Never bring along a notepad or any mechanism by which you can record anything about the meeting” one.
Good Post
February 9th, 2004 at 4:38 am
*ROTFLMAO*
Thanks, this one made my monday morning a lot brighter :-)
February 9th, 2004 at 10:18 am
Toy,
Unfortunately reading Hani’s blog doesn’t take up all day, so a meeting or two allows us to have a little fun :-) Now with Hani’s tips it can be even more fun :-))))
February 9th, 2004 at 1:39 pm
You know.. I get lots of work done and so do my coworkers, and we have very few meetings. Have you ever thought that maybe you’re working with a bunch of morons and would be happier elsewhere?
February 9th, 2004 at 2:33 pm
Blame Marc Fleury.
February 9th, 2004 at 3:42 pm
I am taken by a transendental wind and my inner girl thought she was reading Hani’s bile blog. The blog of truth and light which leads me to dark places such as when I offered myself to the high school football team to find validation in that misty locker room and yet I found truth. To my surpise, I was taken aback when I found myself reading something that wreaked of evil Marc Fleury’s (that which does not matter) drone, Richard Saunders. My inner girl screemed in pain and I started to cry. I could not believe that you’d do this. You would emulate the style of those who destroy everything we’ve worked for by staring in from the sidelines blogging about our sexual depravities! God I hate myself for reading this, I am so sorry that you have been corrupted hani. Please forgive me for my honesty.
February 10th, 2004 at 4:57 am
Buy a damn dictionary:
transendental -> transcendental
wreak: to inflict (vengeance or punishment) upon a person
reek: to give off or become permeated with a strong unpleasant odor
screemed -> screamed
Jeez, don’t they teach anything in school nowadays?
February 10th, 2004 at 7:25 am
That’s the second misuse of “wreak” I’ve seen today. The other in an article from a notable IT company.
February 10th, 2004 at 8:52 am
You’re correcting the spelling of an anonymous poster who is making fun of someone by posting in their name. While you are at it, could you empty the Atlantic ocean for me with a teaspoon?
February 10th, 2004 at 10:29 am
I pissed in the Atlantic ocean once.
February 10th, 2004 at 3:32 pm
You’ll have trouble separating that from the rest of the Atlantic now I think.
February 10th, 2004 at 3:49 pm
ROTFLMAO! Just about everybody in Britain has been in the Atlantic so maybe it would be easy after all.
February 10th, 2004 at 4:16 pm
A few years back when PDA’s were only becoming popular and companies would only buy them for managers. It became increasingly annoying as these managers would play endlessly with their PDA’s in the middle of meetings while us unfortunate folk actually had to pay attention.
Well as a practical joke, I got hold of an Etch-a-Sketch, put it in my briefcase and brought it to the meeting. After the meeting starts, sure enough you have the regulars pulling our their PDA’s to play games or read email. So I nonchalantly go into my briefcase and pull out this Etch-a-Sketch and start doodling. The entire rooms erupts as I took kudos for one of the most memorable pranks at the time.
February 10th, 2004 at 5:41 pm
What does Marc Fleury do in his meetings?
February 11th, 2004 at 3:34 pm
w@nk ?
February 12th, 2004 at 12:55 pm
EAT A DICK!!!
February 14th, 2004 at 11:32 am
In my former company we had these “Off site” days
where we all went out to some conference center or some cabin in the woods to have 8 hour long meetings. A common theme on these meetings was to brainstorm around a subject. A typical subject would be: “What does professionalism mean to you”. Then everyone was supposed to write down on small yellow notes what the meaning of professionalism is and subsequently present their conclusion. The concensus of these meetings was just junk.
Thank god the company is now dead and buried, which might not be so surprising.
February 24th, 2004 at 2:29 pm
Ash, here, take this brain and put it into your empty cavity most call a “skull”. Not a thing you said made sense, and I can’t help but wonder if you don’t really just work as a cashier at Wal-Mart.
June 4th, 2005 at 1:34 am
It is June 2005. Why am I reading postings from February 2004?