The Anti-Richard Saunders was feeling particularly inspired (read, hate-filled) at some point last week and so emailed me a rather entertaining list of rants against the world. So they in turn inspired me to enrich and expand on them. Those of you who are finding that your blogs are not getting that much traffic would do well to print up this list and put it up on your bathroom, so you can review them every time you puff and pant and try to expel things from various orifices. Not only will your turds be expelled more forcefully and enthusiastically, but you will also increase traffic to your blog.
Incidentally, I don’t know who antisaunders is, nor do I know who saunders is. I’ve gotten emails from both though, amusingly enough. I do find Richard Saunders somewhat fascinating though, in that he seems to embody that guy that exists in every team; that one guy that most of us dislike and hate. The guy that pontificates at length about how great he is and how pragmatic and sensible his approach is, while never actually doing anything beyond being a serious obstacle in everything they’re involved in. So I’m glad he’s blogging now. It give the rest of us an insight into the mind of the enemy, so that we are better equipped to defeat his sort. We can all look forward to the day when VB developers stick to VB and stop this bullshit habit of ‘learning’ java in a month then getting a java dev job.
So, without further ado, I give you the definitive list on achieving popularity!
Pick some well-known personality vaguely in the same line of work as yourself, and endlessly express your admiration and awe at them. Insist that they’re humble and intelligent, and lament the fact that not everyone is like them. Regularly thank said personality for brightening up your life and fulfilling you with unrequited sexual longing.
Pick some well-known personality vaguely in the same line of work as yourself, and endlessly express your disgust and hatred of them. Insist that they’re retarded and bigoted, and lament the fact that they dare exist. Regularly rant and rave against said personality and proclaim that your life is made intolerable by their very existence.
Develop an intimate-bordering-on-sexual relationship with a product of some sort. Spend most of your time saying how amazing this product is, and share ‘tips’ about how best to use its obscure features with everyone. If anyone dares suggest that you have a vested interest in said product or are a paid employee of said company, ruthlessly delete their comments before anyone else starts spreading these hateful lies.
If you have a jroller account, obsessively check your blog and set up scripts to regularly hit it to push yourself into the popular blogs list on the jroller homepage. Ask Fred Grott if you’re unsure of how you can do this.
Discuss your family. Children are there to be exploited. Brag of how they are now able to make noises better than most children their age, discuss hilarious situations in which the little shits made some pithy comment by accident, and suchlike and so forth. This will show your sensitive side and female bloggers will flock to you like flies to shit. If you have no family, then pointing out cute behaviour of some little animal that is in your possession is also acceptable.
Milk personal tragedy for all it’s worth. Breakups and loss of friends and/or family members must be shared with as many people as possible in order to garner the most sympathy and make sure your sensitive side is shown in the best possible light.
Complain and bitch about everything in a sometimes amusing but often offensive tone.
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January 20th, 2004 at 10:32 am
First post!
January 20th, 2004 at 10:32 am
Second post! I beat joeblowgt!
January 20th, 2004 at 10:32 am
THREE TIMES I beat him, like the clown puncher poodog he is!
January 20th, 2004 at 10:33 am
FOUR TIMES! What a punk-ass white bitch he is!
January 20th, 2004 at 10:33 am
FIVE TIMES, because he apparently can’t type his way out of a freakin’ paper bag. Buttmuncher.
January 20th, 2004 at 10:33 am
SIX times that I beat that fudgepacker like white on rice.
January 20th, 2004 at 10:34 am
Say, I’m bored now.
January 20th, 2004 at 10:34 am
Wow, this post was popular, wasn’t it?
January 20th, 2004 at 10:34 am
I AM SPARTACUS
January 20th, 2004 at 10:48 am
You know, that bileblog person… she’s so cool and froody. She’s humble and intelligent, and I wish everyone was like her: humble and intelligent-like. If she didn’t exist, not only would I not have this unrequited soup-like longing for her, but I wouldn’t have unrequited soup-like longing for ANYONE.
On the other hand, she’s RETARDED and BIGOTED! I HATES HER, I HATES HER FOREVER! LIKE I SAID, RETARDED AND BIGOTED, AND HER EXISTENCE REMOVES ANY HOPE FOR MY HAVING SOUP-LIKE LONGINGS FOR ANYONE (except my kid. Say hello, Junior!)
BTW, Opensymphony rocks, except the tuning of the symphony. Not sure what key it’s in, but it rocks. Like a drum.
Who’s Ferg Drott? And how can I boost my jroller ratings? That’s really important to me, especially ever since MY MOM DIED.
You suck. WAR ROME.
January 20th, 2004 at 10:54 am
Can you share more tips on attracting female bloggers? I’m still not getting any responses even after posting about my cat dying… Any help?
January 20th, 2004 at 11:38 am
Surely you mean *filling* you with unrequited sexual longing. Unrequited sexual longing can’t be fulfilling, can it? Perhaps you’re a practiced one-hand typist.
January 20th, 2004 at 12:00 pm
Welcome back, Hani .. we missed you.
January 20th, 2004 at 1:43 pm
# Pick some well-known personality vaguely in the
# same line of work as yourself, and endlessly
# express your disgust and hatred of them.
How can’t you hate them if they come up to you and tell you “to hell with your nicely done Java Swing interface! We are going to paint all the stuff directly as bitmap on the GUI” after you passed TWO FUCKING MONTHS DOING NOTHING ELSE BUT SWING CODE? And when you know that with swing or without it will be FUCKINGLY SLLLLLOOOOOWWWW AND BULKY ANYWAY???
And the chief said “it’s ok, go on with swing it’s a reasonable choice to me…”…
January 20th, 2004 at 3:17 pm
Alright fate, this is it – you’ve gone too far this time!
January 21st, 2004 at 12:18 am
Not your best work; neither entertaining nor enlightening; definitely sub-standard bile.
Maybe time to consider retirement? Go out on a high note, top of your game, etc., ?
Truism of the entertainment industry: better to leave the crowd wanting more than to overstay your welcome.
January 21st, 2004 at 12:43 am
“the little shits made some pithy comment”. I guess this makes the blogger in question a big one. Shit, for instance.
January 21st, 2004 at 6:19 am
Looks like the wankers are out in force today. Must be a crowd of the people you dissed hani :-)
January 21st, 2004 at 7:57 am
Bile Blog is disputably one of the most infamous blogs on jroller with its relentless written attacks on companies, projects and individuals leaving them in smoke and rubble. So when you were offering up How to be popular advice I for one was looking for insight and a wealth of knowledge. Imagine my disappointment when I read your first two dot points you say Pick some well-known personality vaguely in the same line of work as yourself. I have read every one of your blogs, and you have never ranted or raved about me and no one is close to being in the same line of work than you and I.
You cut me Hani! You cut me bad.
January 21st, 2004 at 9:03 am
C’mon Ted. I guess it’s just us now.
May 28th, 2004 at 9:24 pm
Do you want to be popular? Here is some important information:
If you want to become popular, become well known. Try to get along with everybody, but if they do not act nice back, don’t just take their crap. I used to never talk to people and never made friends. Nobody hated me, but nobody liked me. I was afraid that if I spoke to somebody, they’d think I was a total idiot. What I didn’t realize is that the truth was that if I never spoke, they’d think I was the idiot. My point is that you can’t be afraid of rejection. About 1 out of 20 people that you talk to will reject you. These people are total jerks and probably have very little friends. Don’t stoop down to their level and fight with them. Don’t ever have anything to do with them again. Don’t start any fight(verbal or physical), but if they to to you, don’t sit their and take their crap. Defend yourself. I would rather get into a little bit of trouble than have a wimpy reputation. Also, to make more friends, you should participate in sports or clubs. Work hard to be good at it and most people will respect you for it. Those that are jealous and don’t are just more lousy nobodies. Ignore them. The true part to being popular is having good relationships with most people and have a wide variety of interests. Not a good for nothing jerk who rejects everyone. People like that think they are cool, but are really losers and have no friends. They don’t get anywhere in life. Also, if you ever think about geting a gf/bf, try to be decent in appearence. It may not be right, but most people judge you by your appearence. People who are not decent looking don’t usually have a gf/bf. There may be some things that you can’t change about your appearence, but there is always something that you can do to improve it. And don’t ever be afraid to ask somebody out, because if they are rude, again they are just a stupid nobody. If they say no very politely, respect their decision. Be nice to them and don’t keep following them around. They said no and that’s it. Ask somebody else. But wait a couple of days at least. You don’t want people to think you are desperate. I hope this advice helped you. It helped me when I realized it.
August 16th, 2004 at 2:14 am
i dont get this site, what r ya talkin bout? bein a chef? or bein popular
February 14th, 2005 at 8:05 pm
FCUK YOU MY BITCHES YALL SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
June 1st, 2006 at 9:22 pm
I like cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!
Hi mom!
June 3rd, 2006 at 7:20 pm
BE A POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL
Looking attractive matters lots, so always keep your hair spotless and neat, wear make up and create your own stylish dress code.
But people also like someone who is nice and seems to be happy, if that person is outgoing, that’s so much better, because people will see those qualities, if that person is confident and shows off that confidence, it will attract more people, because confidence is really sexy.
Get good grades by doing well in tests, never forget of listening hard to teachers in class and doing homework.
Also be flirty smiling and looking at boys, get to know them and talk to them, starting with any compliment!